HampoLand

Dirty Deeds Make Me Cry

I was lifting weights when I heard the song and started crying. Half way through my third set of bench presses  I heard the opening power cords of AC/DCs Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. I instantly started tearing up.

 I took a deep breath. That smoking hot ridiculoulsly sleazy rock and roll anthem makes me cry every time.

Nine years ago I was pregnant with Sandor. In the middle of the work day I felt funny, went to the doctor and he said, “Holy Cow, there’s about to be a baby.”

“Can I  get my purse out of the car.”

“No you may not, call you husband and get him up here.”  My handsome young doctor grinned at me.

It was a C-Section and Alex barely made it to the hospital fast enough. We were in the operating room  holding hands.  He looked so cute in his baby blue scrubs. My body was completely numb but my head was still wide awake, so we were chatting away with the nurses.

The doctor was working away on me. Alex squeezed my hand in both of his.  I was grinning like a goof ball. Then the handsome doctor said, “Would you like some music right about now? We’re almost there.”

I was extatic and nervous and scared and I remember my mouth was really dry. The surgical lights were blinding. I nodded my head, “That would be great.”

The doctor nodded to the nurse who fumbled with a CD player and then, just as the doctor pulled Sandor from my body, my magnificent and beautiful baby boy took his first breath, and we all heard  Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap slamming through the speakers. My child was literally loosing brain cells before they cut the cord.  I was expecing some high faluting classical music, not Angus in his stupid little shorts prancing around. Where was smy Mozart? My Bach? I got freakin’ Diry Deads, what was next, Highway to Hell or Blue Balls?

Every one started laughing, Alex and were crying and laughing and for some reason no one thought to turn off the CD player for at least 45 seconds. “If you’re having trouble with the high school head…..” You know the rest

The first sounds my magical  son heard, our first seconds together in this world, included AC/DC and Angus Young

So I start crying, just a little, every time I hear that rock monster.  I’m right back there in the operating room, holding my husband’s hand and looking at my beautiful baby boy for the first time.

Go on, listen to it now, I know you want to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_t5GPbp5IY

Hey, I have a new request. I know there are a lot of you who don’t like leaving comments so I’m asking you “non-comment folk” to share my blog with someone you know. That’s right, you have a homework assingnment. Send a link to a blog you like to someone else  Thanks for the help. If you’d rather leave a comment, I’d love that or you can e-mail me at hampoland.com

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My Kid Did What? Oh, He’ll Outgrow That….I Hope

Kids  change and outgrow habits and problems.  Sometimes, they even outgrow the horrible, annoying habits that make you want to  poke yourself in the face with a fork.

I realized today I’ve been raising kids for 24 years. I’m not very good at it, but I’ve got some experience and lots of stories.

When Sandor was five or six his face did all kinds of stupid, annoying, wacky stuff. His eyes would get big then squinty, his eyebrows rolled around like a ocean waves. It was all a mess. And he obviously didn’t know he was doing anything. He had a tick and I was horrified. When the boy’s face started going crazy in the middle of a conversation it was so hard not to say,”Sandor, make you face behave”. 

So, we went to his doctor. I explained the situation to her in the hall-way, then she visited with my son and watched his face move around like a lava lamp on crack  He talked like a normal little boy but his face looked like it was made out of play-dough and it was being squished by coyotes.

As I recall she explained to me he apparently had some version of turrets. Then she added he might very well out grow the syndrome soon. Lots of kids did.  She told me should just “watch and see”.

 And she reminded me at least three times not to mention it to him or make him aware of his facial roller coaster.

Guess what?…the kid out grew his turrets. Within a year he was just a normal weirdo 6 year old who made fart jokes and thought running into walls was funny. He outgrew his turrets.

Today, I was talking to a friend who told me her son used to steal stuff when he was little. Well, he didn’t actually steal, but when he went to friend’s houses he “accidentally” took toys home that were not his. Ok, the kid was a thief. But today I would let this 12 year old boy live in my house while I was on vacation. He’s got great character and is totally trustworthy.

When Mary was little she hated brushing her hair. She would lie, cry and run away to avoid a brush. Knots the size of Key West grew in her hair, but she covered the furry nightmare knots with a few strands of brushed hair. Now Mary is georgous and has beautiful hair and I’m pretty sure she brushes it, on her own, at least once a day. She changed.

Today a little boy hung out at our house to play with Sandor. He’s only 9 years old but over and over he asked me for stuff, begged for things. He said, “please please please Miss Diana,can we go to Sonic?”

 ”Please, please, please Miss Diana can we get the Planet of the Apes movie?”

 ”Please, please, please Miss Diana can I have a Red Bull?”

“No buddy, you can’t”.

“Pleeeeeease, please, please, can I have a Red Bull?”

“No, Buddy, they aren’t good for you.”

“Pleeese, I drink them all the time at home”

I have faith this little guy will out grow the begging. So, in the mean time, I have to keep myself from yelling at him and it’s important I take the time to explain  why begging is not a productive practice, especially when he’s a guest.

Unfortunately, kids also grow out of things we love. Mary used to love holding two of my fingers when we walked together They all grow out of exploding with excitement and love every time you come home from work. When a three year old sees you come home it’s as though you’ve done something miraculous, something they’d been waiting for all day.  And that makes everything worth while.

When I explained to our begging buddy, he nodded, as though he understood.  And he waited for at least an hour before he said, “Can I have another Twinkie Ms Diana, please, please, please?”

*Please, write to me, or leave a comment, that makes me happy and I want to know what you think. hampoland@gmailcom

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I Don’t Want To Look Better than Average, Tell Me I’m Smokin’ Hot!

This Is Not Me...I'm just pretending

Yesterday I had to edit pictures of my husband and me, standing next to each other, smiling in the sunshine. In disgust, I finally just cropped myself out of the picture. He looked really good but I looked….well…you know.

When I told Alex what I had done he was annoyed. We have very few pictures of us together. Then he said two typical “man things.”

1. “You look just like you.” Aaahhh that’s the problem. My face. I can almost-kind-of control what my body looks like with enough running, weight lifting and martial arts. But my face does what ever the hell gravity wants it too do.

 Alex is Hungarian and the creep has great skin. Is it a good thing he’s aging so well? The man smokes a pack a day, but he doesn’t have any crows feet. What’s fair about that? And he never uses sun screen.

Then he said the words I’ve warned him about over and over, “You look fine.”

Fine!!!??? I look fine? Guys, when a woman hears “you look fine”, that’s like saying “Hey, on a scale of 1-10 you are a solid 5.” Fine is not a good thing, unless you use your Berry White voice and say, “Baby, you look sooo fine.”

In girl land “Fine” is ok, average, generally acceptable.  When I ask how I look?” lie to me if you must! Tell me I look beautiful, magnificent, hot, ravishing. Your night will improve dramatically, I promise.

When I told my friend Amelia about Alex’s response she said, “Yeah, after five years of marriage husbands turn into cousins and  brothers. They say all the wrong stuff most of the time and think it’s kind of funny when we get upset.”

Women, if you have a husband who still says nice stuff to you, who doesn’t say you look “above average” when you get all dressed up. If you have a husband or boy friend who can lie convincingly, you better love on that man. He’s a keeper.

*Write to me or comment. It makes me happy and I promise I won’t crop or edit you in any way. hampoland@gmail.com

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Dale And Amelia…Have the Gift

My last blog was about the miserable little man who wants to be my Congressman.   He lacked  a skill everyone should have and I hope I can pass on to my children. It’s concerns being a good friend and a decent human being.

Truthfully, I’m not very decent sometimes and I fail my friends constantly, but I do know the importance of listening.We all need to learn to  ask people questions and be genuinely interested in their response. We need to listen, then ask more questions.

My best friend, Amelia, was telling me about a party she went to. I said, “Who did you talk to?”
And she said, “Mostly I just talked to my new friend Julie and learned all about her.”

Amelia is so good at talking to new people because she’s smart, asks questions and listens to the answers. I love introducing people to Amelia because they all love her. Why? She takes an interest in their opinions, ideas and lives.

 Dale Carnegie made millions of dollars in the 1930s telling Americans how to get people to like them. His book How To Win Friends and Influence People was so simple and straight forward. But it was true. And the people who took his advice were improved.

 Here’s the wikipedia synopsis:
1.Become genuinely interested in other people.
2.Smile.
3.Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4.Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5.Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
6.Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

If you do these things but don’t actually care about people you are just another fake. But if you do these six things sincerely, and with an open heart, you’ll have more friends than you can imagine.

That’s my hot tip for the day.. If you have children, take time to teach them this lesson. Someday they will thank you and everyone will think you’re an awesome parent.

Learn how to ask people questions, then listen to the answers.

Now, you are already miles ahead of the wretched would-be Congressman.

*Write to me  hampoland@gmail.com. I promise I’ll listen to every word and then write back.

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You Are A Terrible Politician! Please, Stop Shaking My Hand

Yesterday I shook hands with one of the worst politicians imaginable. He was a friendly, normal looking guy, who’s running for a Congressional seat in Arkansas.

The problem didn’t start until he started talking. We stood alone in the radio station break room and for eleven minutes (I was watching the clock) he told me absolutely everything about himself….And he never asked me a single question. Not one.

He told me about his business experience, his wife, his kids, his church, his county, his passion, his concern, his faith, his convictions and work ethic. He told me how honest and hard working he was.

He did not ask me my last name, if I was married, if I had kids, where we lived. He did not ask me what I was concerned, passionate or angry about. He did not ask me if I was affiliated with a political party. He did not ask me about our schools, our roads, our taxes, our unemployment rate or our government. He did not ask me about crime in my area, global warming, swine flu, our service men in Iraq or Afghanistan. He did not ask if I believed in school prayer, hunting, the NRA, gay rights, abortion, or food stamps. He did not ask what I wanted my congressman to do or how he could help me. BECAUSE HE DIDN”T CARE.

I’m in radio sales and everyday, much like a good politician, I try to solve people’s problems. But I can’t do that unless I ask countless questions about their business. How do I know what they need unless I ask questions and listen? Do you get the correlation?

You sir, are a terrible politician and I would never vote for you. Because you obviously do not give a rats ass about my life or what I need or how you can help make the great state of Arkansas even better. 

You are what I fear and abhor most in politicians. You think you are the center of the solar system and you already know what’s best for my family. You should be a celebrity not a politician. Because in your mind and world it’s obviously all about you.

A good politician can help more people in a single day than the rest of us can in a life time. But not if you don’t look people in the eye, ask questions and  listen, listen, listen, then ask more questions and listen some more.

It’s not about you, it’s about the people and state you serve. Do you even know who we are? Do you even care?  Wait, I think you answered that question during our 11 minute meeting in the break room.

Leave a comment or e-mail me!  hampoland@gmail.com

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20 Things That Make Me Happy!

This is a post from  sillystupidhighschoolblog.blogspot.com  Cause all this stuff made me smile too! DH

1. Bubble wrap    Always has. Always will
2. Cursing with a British accent
It just sounds so proper.
3.Seeing a cat not land on it’s feet
It’s a disgrace to the feline race.
4. Heated arguments over stupid stuff
“No! I wore pink yesterday”
5. Terrible songs we can’t help but like
“I like big butts and I can not lie”
6. Screaming high school coaches It’s just a game

7. Ugly dogs  It’s so ugly you think it’s cute

8. People that quote Dr. Seuss  They may not know anything. But just for a moment you think they’re profound
9. Our national anthem  Yea. It’s just great!

10. Old men in tiny shorts  It’s gross but you gotta give them props. What a man.

11. Slime  Simplicity that keeps you entertained for hours.

12. Hand clap thingies that every elementary girl does at some point in her life.  Apple sticks they make me sick.

13.Skipping school for the horse races   Come on Zippidy Doodat!Go number 7.
14. Afros  Way to be awesome! I want a high-five now.

15. Hot baths and candles. Even alone they’re so peaceful

16. My legs after I shave them  So so so smooth.

17. First glass of milk in the carton  Freshest thing out there.
18. Terrible acting   You watch and think. They get paid how much? For that?
 

19. Mom’s that say inappropriate things “You two would make such cute babies”

20. Punching stuff   BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Write to me  please or leave a comment! e-mailt hampo7@gmail.com
or find me on da face-idy-book  Lexie Hampo

If you don’t I will come to your house and hide under your bed. Muhahaha

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My Son Didn’t Get Kidnapped

My hands are shaking as I write this.  I’m so mad, terrified and relieved.

   At 3:30 this afternoon I got a phone call from a strange man who said, “Is this Shawn’s mom?”

“I have a son, Sandor,” I was driving along, listening to NPR.

“Well, I have him here in my truck ma’am.”

My heart stopped and I hit the brakes.

“Why? Where are you, he’s supposed to be on the bus, on the way home?” I couldn’t control my voice.

“Yes ma’am, I saw him on the side of the road crying and I picked him up, can you tell me where I should take him?”

All I could think was ‘please don’t hang up, please stay on the line’. But I said, “Oh my God. Can I speak to Sandor please?”

“Of  course,” he said.

I could hear Sandor crying. My boy was sniffing and crying. “Mom?”

“Sweetie, are you ok?” I was trying not to to scream or cry. Tears washed down my face. “Give the man our address but stay on the phone. Ok?”

My son recited our address to the stranger. The man said something about knowing where we lived.  Then he drove my crying son home. We stayed on the phone the entire time. Sandor had gotten confused about his after school schedule. He thought he was supposed to go to Taekwondo but no one was there.

Sandor waited in the parking lot for 15 minutes, crying in the cold rain. He didn’t know what to do. He is nine so he didn’t have a phone.

This man, who said his name was Shane Knight said he drove by, saw the little boy crying and shivering so he pulled over. He did not kidnap or murder my son. He took him home.

 The stranger got back on the phone with me and said, “I’m giving your son a card. I clean carpets so if you carpets need cleaning give me a call.”

“Where are you now?” I asked, still not trusting him but praying to God I could.

“In your driveway.”

I owe this man my life, my soul my world. If you are reading this and live in Garlnad County please, promise me, you’ll throw some business his way. His name is Shane and he works for Super Clean. Thier number is 800-537-3714. He’s my hero and I love him.

If you have a child who rides a bus make sure you understand their policy on this sort of thing. I dont think little kids need phones but Sandor will get a pre-paid on this week, to keep in his back pack. The world has changed.

For the rest of my life I will be thanking God with every fiber of my being for Shane.

When I got home Sandor and I hugged and hugged on my bed. He said, “While I was waiting I prayed.”

“And God sent you and angel, didnt’ he?”

Sandor nodded his head then laughed for the first time. “He had tattoos, that means he was an angel with tattoos.”

I kissed the top of his head. “Yeah, it does.”

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Jack Stell…No Longer A Meth Head Bitch or Shape Shifter

Big news…children are actually SHAPE SHIFTERS! You think you know who and what they are. Then they turn into something else completely.

My son, Jack Stell, has been a musician for years but he’s changed so radically, from a hippo into a dragon fly, from a spider monkey into a wolverine.

He now writes songs andI cry because they are so good. He’ s learned to craft  songs, funny sweet songs. I can’t get them out of my head. He moved to Nashville recently and has sent me some remarkable work.  I swear.

Yeah, yeah, I’m his mom, but I promise, five or six years ago, when he was jack2thefuture, I would say things like, “that was a hell of a stage show,” after a concert.The way he crawled across the stage on his belly, while howling lyrics, was pretty wild. The first time I went to one of his shows he appeard in a tux and looked insanely handsome then he managed to strip down to his boxers during the first song, on stage! he was nearly naked. Hey, that was entertaining and throngs of tatted up, pierced 21 year old went nuts.

But I never, ever said, “I love those songs.” I loved him and the theatrics, but not the songs.

Things have changed. When I listen to Jack Stell or Jack Stell and the Natural Outlaws I am stunned. He’s so good.

It’s Jack Stell’s heart-breakingly tender songs that take my breath away. There’s a song, “Dance with me Katie Marie.” It’s their last dance, the guy has done something horrible and it will be their last night together. The lyrics and tone are so poignant. I’ve had devastatingly beautiful nights like that, and last dances. I guess we all have and that’s what makes the song so powerful.

“Christine” is a lovely and crazy catchy song he wrote to make me happy. It worked. The song follows a forty year love affair to the final days. “Now we’ve been married about 15 years, got us a house and got us some kids, but i love you just the same, as I did that very first day. Christine, my little queen…”

 Fireworks and Tattoos is a witty ballad, about a guy who wakes up from a big drunk and realizes he’s blown up his girlfriend’s double wide. “”And I would apologize,  if you’d just pick up your phone. Sorry I blew up you mobile home.”  It’s funny.

Jack is 24, how the hell does he know about this stuff?

Life Size Pizza was his last rock band, no that’s an understatement. LSP was a face crushing rock and roll band with some country licks thrown in.  The Jesus Song and Meth Head Bitch are Little Rock legends. LSP two cds and the second, No Love is really magnificent boy rock and roll. Too much howling guitar for a middle age white woman but I get it. It’s hedonistic, slippery and dangerous. The guitar work is amazing and I am a big fan of Life Size Pizza. If you need some new, fun and insane rock and roll find them on spotify.

But now my son he has shape shifted again. He is Jack Stell. And I am amazed and proud.

You can find Jack Stell on facebook. Keep up with him now, pretty soon you won’t be able to.

Leave or comment or write to me. hampoland@gmail.com

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Boy Brains…Are Soooo Messed Up

Boys have funky little brains, that’s why they do the goofy and crazy crap they do. In three days I have collected so much new  evidence to prove my point.
I’ve always said teen-age boys have more bad ideas in an hour than the rest of us have all year. Ill say it again, because IT’S TRUE!

Case study #1 Howard, a nine year old friend, comes to visit my son after Christmas. Howard is one of Sandor’s best friends. The boy got a touch screen  I-pod for Christmas and it’s a beauty! (My son is eatten up with jealousy but I’ll write aobut that in another blog).

The boys, who are in third grade, are messing around in the living room. I hear a thud sound. Once, twice, three times.

I yell from the kitchen, in my friendly hip mom voice, “What are you guys doing?”
“.
My son is laughing, “Howard is dropping his I-Pod!”

“Why?” I loose the cool voice and head towards the living room. “Buddy, you are gonna break your I-Pod, don’t do that!” I hate when expensive toys get busted at my house.

Howard shakes his head, he’s laughing too. “No it won’t it’s got this cover on it.” The cover is not titanium, just black rubber.  He drops the I-Pod again and the boys melts into a pool of laughter.

“Seriously Howard, it will break, the screen will crack. Cut it out, please.”
“Ok,” he says and shrugs. Then they start practicing their choke holds.

A little girl would never every do that. I’ve known thousands of them and their DNA simply would not allow them to drop a cherished I-Pod on a hard wood floor over and over just because it made her friend laugh. In fact, if another girl was watching she would tell her friend to stop because the I-Pod would break and it was a stupid thing to do.

In little boy land this activity is  just fine. Howard was convinced his I-Pod would never break and dropping it made his buddy laugh and think he was cool. So it was totally worth the risk.

Case study #2  My husband Alex and I were driving to a friends house in separate cars.  Sandor was with me and we followed Alex on a winding dirt road, at night.  The road widened just a bit.  Sandor got so excited, “Mom, you should pass Dad, that would be so awesome, he’d freak out. Go for it.”

“That’s nuts.”

“Ok, just drive up next to him real fast, I’ll roll down the window and yell at him, do it, come on.” He was shaking with excitement, like a jacked up Chiwawa.

“”No way, Sandor, why would I do that.”

“It’ll be cool, please.”

“The road narrowed and he knew the opportunity had passed. I started to explain things to him and ask him questions about his numb skull request but I just mulled things over. 

In “boy land”, and especially in”teen-age boy land” if I guy did something like that his buddies would think it was great. They would smack him on the head and tell him how sweet the move was. He could have run off the road into the lake, he could have side swiped the other car. It was awesome. It would prove he had guts, and wasn’t afraid of anything. So he  would move up the food chain.  Girls would tell him he was a fool, but they would actually think it was cool too and he might get laid. The boy brain never for a second considered he might crash, get hurt or trash the car. The option of failure simply and literally never entered his mind.

But in my “mom land” all I could think about with the potential for danger, I would never risk my son’s safety. I was thinking about insurance premiums and damage to the cars.  If I had been a daredevil nobody would think I was awesome. My husband would have been furious and my friends would know for sure I was a moron.  

If a teenage boy pulled off the stunt he would get praise and admiration. If I pulled it off, nothing good would happen in my world. I would just be “super idiot mom/wife”.

We can’t fix boy brains, we shouldn’t fix boy brains. They are designed that way for a reason.  But I think by helping our boys understand how and why they think the way they do.  They might, and I stress MIGHT, be better equipped to make good decisions.

*PS my 24 year old, college educated, son thought putting a grossof bottle rockets in a bon fire last week was a good idea.

* Write to me!  hampoland@gmail.com

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This Is Very A Serious Problem

I have a problem with cleaning. first, I don’t like it, second, I’m not very good at it. But that’s not my ugliest problem.

When I clean I find stuff, a single lacy glove, a scarf, an 80′s style sweatband. And I put things on as I clean, without realizing it.

 I finished vacuuming this afternoon and realized I looked like Cyndi Lauper. I was wearing one stripey fingerless glove, so I looked like a British pick pocket, plus a Beastie Boys ball cap and a fishing vest covered with flashy lures and ‘. But the living room and bedroom are now, crazy clean.

Still, I was a disturbing mother and wife..    The only solution…in 2012 I’ll try my very best not to clean anymore.

#You have a problem or hate cleaning. write to me damn it.hampoland@gmail.com

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