HampoLand

Goofy Ways to Cut Calories During The Holidays

I’ve got some very bad news for people trying to loose weight. It’s the holiday season and you might as well drown yourself in a bowl of Chex Party Mix right now.

Everybody wants to cut calories but that generally involves eatting less, well, nobody actually wants to do that.

We’ll I’ve come up with some new and unconventional ways to cut calories cause I’m super smart. But you must be brave and bold.

 #1 You roll through Sonic because you skipped breakfast and you really really need some popcorn chicken. You’ve got the bag in your hand along with the honey mustard sauce. Before you eat a single popcorn chicken you must roll down your window then reach in the bag, grab and handful and fling them out the window. That’s right fling half your popcorn chicken out the windo.  I know this sounds goofy and wasteful but it works.  Guess what, you’ve saved yourself 300 calories.. Yes you wasted a little money and kind of polluted (I like to think ants and wild, possibly endangered, animals clean up the mess). Just make sure you don’t throw your food at the car next to you or at a pedestrian. They get kind of mad when you strafe them with chicken. This plan works with chips, M&Ms,and Cheetos, just chuck half the food out the window and enjoy what you have left, guilt free.
A side note: Throwing junk food out the window at 60 miles an hour is also kind of liberating in a weird way.

2.If you absolutely have to have something horrible, say a Swiss cheese, bacon, mushroom melt, go on and order that bad boy. Smell it, look at it, love it. Then take three bites. Enjoy them, savor the flavor, cause that’s all you get. Once you’ve taken three bites, drop the burger back in the bag and squish it up, mash and trash it so you will not be tempted to take any more bites.   Again, you have to do this quickly before the fat kid inside you takes over and insists on eatting the whole thing.

3. Here’s my final tip as to how you can cut a few calories . Do you have a dog? Is he healthy? Well, next time you fix yourself a massive peanut butter and jelly sandwich at three o’lclock in the morning, tear your sandwich in half and give it to your dog. He’ll be happy and love you more while you get healthier.

Be careful that you don’t feed your dog stuff that’s bad for him, like half a gallon of ice cream. But chances are half a Hot Pocket or half a bowl of Mac and Cheese won’t hurt him. He’ll probably be really happy and you’ll feel much better knowing you only ate half of the bad stuff. I do this all the time and I think it’s the reason our dog, Theo ,likes me a whole lot more than anyone else in the family.

There you have it, three unexpected ways to cut  calories. Pretty easy, right? Just don’t be too hard on yourself. Think healthy thoughts. stay positive and don’t give your dog any chocolate.

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The Best Ninja and Pirate Gift Guide!

The holiday season is here and even those who slash and burn, maim, rob and murder for a living,  like to find something fun under the tree.

I live in a house full of armed pirates and ninjas. Don’t believe me? In the middle of the night, try breaking in.

So what do you get the ninja or pirate in your life… arrr, it’s so easy.

First Pirate Toast Stamp. Every Pirate wants to see the jolly roger first thing in the morning, so put it on his toast, along with butter and jelly. Sweet, huh?

There’s also a Pirate Toaster, but I don’t think Pirates cook for themselves. They have wenches with long swishy tangled hair doing that.

If there’s a swanky Pirate on your Christmas list, maybe a peg leg with a Napoleon complex, consider a diamond bejewled eye patch. I’m not talking a lame five dollar accessory, I’m mean something worthy of rapper Slick Rick, one that recently sold for more than 12,000 dollars and both his eyes work. That’s a lot of booty, baby. And really, aren’t rappers just pirates with more creative dentists?        

One more idea for the swarthy “playa pirate , The Pirate Condom Case, yeah, with a skull and cross bones printed on it. How sexy is is that? Because Pirates are known for being soooo safe.

And now for those fabulous men in black, the rock stars of the Martial Arts world, everybody’s favorite assassin….The NINJAS.

These guys are easy to shop for because then generally don’t have anything. Pirates, they already have the big gold chains, massive ships and kegs of grog, but what do Ninjas have? Nothing, just a few weapons, pjs and funny slippers with one toe.

First, how about an ice cube tray that makes the perfect sixteen inch Assassin’s Weapon, a Ninja Sword made of ice. When you’re done killing, the evidence melts. Pretty sneaky, huh? Well, that’s how Ninja’s do it, cause they have ice water in their veins.

But what about the stay at home, Ninja, Kicking Cookie Cutters of course. Cause Ninjas like to have parties too, but they never RSVP and you never know who actually attends becasue they refuse to take off those  masks.

And finally, if your Ninja gets nervous in the tub maybe he needs a buddy, somebody to watch his back when he’s washing his hair. Then you need to pick up the Ninja Devil Duckie. Unlike Pirates, Ninjas generally are pretty clean fellows.

Just remember, when you are shopping for a Ninja or a Pirate, murder, mayhem and black are always in style

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This Thanksgiving, Pass The Gravy, It Might Be Good For You

Two nights ago I had a fight with my husband, who’s a chef, about gravy. Yeah, how stupid is that? I was mad because his home made, delicious truck stop gravy was full of calories and therefore obviously unhealthy.

Last night I fixed a frozen bag of spicy chicken oriental stuff for dinner. It was kind of low in calories  but was it healthier than his gravy? I don’t know. I looked at  bag and read the list chemicals, preservatives and flavors  added to my “healthy” Asian meal. There were more than fifty ingredients in one bag. I only recognized six. That’s gross.

“Alex,” I hollard across the house, “how many ingidents did you use to make your gravy?”

I could tell he thought I was trying to trap him so we could argue about gravy again. Finally he said, “Five counting the salt and pepper”.

So why does “soul food”, “comfort food”,  “Southern high truck stop fare” have such a bad reputation. I’m about to fix a big fat Southern Thanksgiving meal, in fact the turkey is already in the oven.  And I don’t think any dish has more than six ingredients. My beautiful mashed potatoes are simply made of potatoes, butter, milk and salt, no msg, to coloring no perservatives.  Are they high in calories? Probably, but at least I know exactly what’s in there and what it does to my body. The stuffing is kind of complicated but again, it’s all natural,  bread crumbs, chopped onion and celery, chicken stock and fresh herbs. Even my green beans and black eyed peas are Southern style awesome  and  idiot proof.  Fresh beans, bacon (I am from Arkansas and everything is better with bacon) onion and salt.

Just because a dish is “low calorie” doesn’t mean it’s healthy. I think we loose sight of that sometimes. I’d rather have a few extra calories, natural flavors and textures than processed goop flowing through my veins.   I believe my body knows how to process butter, but I not sure it knows how to handle massive amounts of MSG and perservatives. 

I could go on but you get the idea. So, next time a friend from California or Connuticut gives me that  “you’re going to eat gravy made from meat drippings?” look.  I’m going to throw my shouldrs back and say “hell yes…and it’s all natural!”

I hope you have a happy and joyous Thanksgiving, love your babies, hug your momma and don’t nag your husband about the gravy.

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Embarrassment and the Middle Aged Martial Arts

After hanging around and working out at a Martial Arts School for almost twelve years…I’m officially the oldest and slowest student in the school.  And it sucks.

I’m a middle aged second degree, surrounded by teen aged hot shots who are faster and quicker than I ever was. Their spin heel kicks buzz past my nose like a Gulf Stream Jet. Their youthful crescent kicks crack past my face like Indiana Jones’ bull whip. Still, I come back to class week after week.

Granted in a dark alley I could probably beat the poop out of most of my classmates because I’m pretty strong, I’m still pretty flexible,  I watch a lot of classic boxing, and I’m a whole lot meaner (mortgage payments and bankruptcy court have made me mean. That stuff hurts a lot more than a side kick to the ribs).  But when it comes to playful sparing, I’m doomed.

I wasn’t always the oldest and slowest in the class, but over the years all of  the other adults have dropped out because of injuries (like hip replacements and pace maker installations) time constraints, family, church and embarrassment. 

Embarrassment?  Yes, it’s embarrasing being the oldest and slowest. My running joke  is “my spin heel kick is so slow you could grab a cup of coffee waiting for it to drift past”. My kicks are pretty, maybe even elegant, and very strong but they are ridicilously slow compared to everyone else. After twelve years…that’s embarassing.

I have other middle aged friends in other schools, from blue belt to black, and no matter our rank our embarassment is the same. We know  the money is in the kids classes. So what’s an instructor to do with old, dedicated, Taekwondo war horses like me?

1. Please don’t give up. Don’t assume I can’t get any better and focus all your attention on the younger students. Fix my square block, stretch my hamstring.  Even if I’m old, I come to class because I still want to get better.  If I were a runner I’d expect to continue to get faster, the same is true in TKD. Fix me, you’re not going to hurt my feelings. And if you do, I need to suck it up and be thankful you took some time to work on me.

2. Sometimes, tell me when I get it right.  I know my front kick won’t look like the fifteen year old cheerleaders I’m standing next to, and my butterfly kick looks more like a dying moth, but when I land a 360 pole block, without stumbling around, say something nice. Genearlly, my daughter Lexie (also a 2nd degree) is the only one who says something like “good job Mom”. I know I didn’t get as high as everybody else and it’s not really that important, but it’s a huge deal in my brain and to my body.

 I know all this sounds kind of needy but you’ve got to give me a reason to keep coming to class, even though I’m the oldest and slowest. There are a thousand reasons I can skip class. My husband and children would be much happier if I stayed home.

I used to have an instructor who would regularly praise the teenagers for not giving in to peer pressure. He’d go on and on about how great the 16 year olds were for hanging in there.  Oh my gosh!  You can’t imagine the looks I get from grown ups at work when I have to explain a bruise the size of New Mexico or broken pinky. “Your still doing that”? they say, with a funky “bless your heart” smile.

So, all I need is one word from you and I’ll be back tomorrow night. Because you still inspire me and I still think I can get just a little bit better. And please, don’t give up on me yet.

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A Wal-Mart Marriage

Should you marry her?  I don’t know, but here are some rules about marriage and dating that usually go unnoticed

1. Don’t marry a person if you don’t have fun in Wal-Mart together. Seriously, if he doesn’t think it’s funny when you juggle three kiwis, if you get bored when he’s looking at tools and camo crap, if you don’t find some people to secretly make fun of, don’t get married. Married life is made up of Wal-Mart moments, if it’s not fun, forget it.

2. Don’t marry that person if you are already sitting in restaurants together poking at your mashed potatoes in silence. You don’t want to be that couple. If you can’t find anything to talk about now, it’s going to be a long silent marriage.

3. Finally, don’t marry that person if you don’t have the same philosophy on child discipline.  Religion, politics, even television differences can be worked out. But it’s very hard to compromise when it comes to the kids.  If she believes in spanking and you think it’s stupid and ineffective don’t get married. If he thinks letting kids watch R rated slasher movies is cool and you’re a PG kind of person… don’t do it.

There are lots of other rules you should pay attention to but here’s the big one and it comes from my husband Alex. “If love hurts, you’re doing it wrong.” If love makes you cry, if it makes you miserable, if it doesn’t make you feel like a better and stronger person…don’t marry them.

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Texting And STD! Attention Parents

A couple of weeks ago I saw a guy get his nose spread across his face like peanut butter by a wicked spin heel kick at a Taekwondo tournament. It was an inspiring and bloody mess. Lexie missed the astonishing kick because she was checking her texts.

While we were driving to the mall, Sandor and I watched a mother deer and her three tiny spotted fawns bound across the street, right in front of our car. Sandor and I both kind of squealed and gasped as though having some kind of happy seizure but Lexie and her friend, Katie Marie, missed it because they were texting.

Not long ago Sandor missed seeing a dead goat on the side of the road because he was playing with Lex’s phone.  What seven year old boy doesn’t want to look at the bloated body of  a dead goat?

You get the idea and I’m just as guilty. Last week as Sandor was reading to me, telling me about the Basset Hound with the longest ears in the world (over a foot long according to the Guinness Book of World Records). He was waving his hands around talking about this dog, when my phone lit up. And I checked my text. The text from a co-worker said, “it’s raining here”.  And while I was reading that text Sandor wandered off becasue I wasn’t paying attention to him anymore.

Kids text each other from the deer stand in the middle of the woods and entire families sit in the bleachers during football games staring at their phones. Yes, they manage to see the big plays but then they miss the coach when he high fives their son, they miss seeing their boy sitting alone and dejected on the bench, because he missed a big tackle.  We are all missing out on the moments that give life flavor.

As long as teenagers are texting or waiting for their phone to go off and make their butt buzz, they aren’t really engaged in life. If they are texting while they watch tv with the family, are in the car or sitting at the bus stop, they are in two different places at one time and they are missing the show.

I hate writing off an entire generation but, I think it’s too late for the teenagers and twenty year olds(sorry guys, you can’t be saved). The dye has been cast, so we might as well move on. But as parents we might be able to help our younger kids. Before you give them their first phone, make some rules for texting and make sure they apply to you as well.

1. No texting when you’re eatting with another person.

2. No texting when you are involved in an actual activity, like deer hunting, skydiving or wake boarding. Enjoy the moment, even if it’s a quiet one.

3.  And no texting in the car. (you don’t want to miss seeing that dead goat)

Technology has gotten ahead of us.  Once upon a time we thought it was  a good idea to put cocaine in Coke-a-Cola and to give it to depressed middle aged women. We thought cigarettes were actually good for us. Doctors believed mercury baths were a great way to cure stds or venereal diseases (yup it cured the disease alright  but it also killed the patient).After time we realized the opossite was true. Maybe that’s the case with of texting. We have an amazing technology but we don’t actually know how it will effect us socially, intellectually or physically in the future.

Once, my son Jack, said, “nothing really important ever gets said in a text,” and he’s absolutely right. It can all wait. Don’t let texting blind you to the beauty, tragedy and taste  of life and stay away from the mercury baths.

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UGG Boots and Bootie Shorts

The lost boys in Peter Pan, the Toys R Us Kids and Justin Bieber…I get it… none of of them want to grow up. Who can blame them? Getting old sucks.

Last week I was sitting with my good friend and as he spoke a filling fell out of his mouth. He picked it off his tongue and put it on the table, between us. We both just stared. Finally I said, “that’s pretty disturbing.”
He just shook his head, kind of sad. “No kidding.”

Age makes me feel like Mr. Potato Head. Parts just fall off and I feel as though I should carry a ziplock full of ice so, when my ear falls off, I can say, “hey, I might be able to reattach that if I keep it in ice”.

I’m trying really hard not to get old.

I do 300 crunches several times a week. It doesn’t matter.

I work very hard not to use terms like ” bling”, “bling bling”, “hot mess” or “grill”. Using verbiage that’s out of date by just a few months is lethal. Instead I try to use phrases that are so out of date they might come back into style. When I was in jr. high school we used the term scoop, as in “I’m scoopin’ on your boyfriend”.  It’s so old it’s new.

I don’t wear bootie shorts with things like “CUTIE” or “JUCY” written on the butt. I think that’s really important. And I never wear Capris or UGG Boots because( unless you are under 30), that’s the fashion kiss of death.

So what are we supposed to do, how do we stop aging?  It’s easier for men because they can still seem totally hot when they are 60. Women…well we are screwed. But maybe our kids friends will still think we are kind of cool and not a left over from the Pre-Cambrian Period if we do three things. 

Smile…all the time. It makes you look much much younger. Look at “old people” they all seem to be frowning.

Hug people  like you mean it. A good hug says ,”yeah, I still got some power left”.

And finally don’t be judgemental. Think about your grandparents and your grandparents. What did they do all the time? Criticize you’re music, your clothes and your hair. Dont’ do that. Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s bad. Chances are you just don’t understand what’s going on.

Kids and hippsters… hey, cut me some slack,please.  If you ask me what I’m listening to and I say ‘Heartless” by Kayne, don’t say , “Oh, old Kayne”. It’s all new to me and at least I’m trying.

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3 Things You Have To Teach Your Child…Today

 There are three things parents have to teach their children before they are seven years old. Otherwise…it’s too late. And if you don’t teach your child these three things consider yourself a crappy parent. I should know.

#1 Teach your kid how to ride a bike and start when they are young. It’s not easy, it takes a lot of patience and running around. Your child is going to cry and get mad at you. They will want to give up, but don’t let them. Take the time to hold the back of the bike seat and run up and down the parking lot or side walk.

Learning to ride a bike when you are young is easy and not nearly as scary because you’re a short person on a short bike, you are close to the ground and you don’t look like a complete doooof if you are wearing all kinds of elbow and knee pads, extra underwear and a football helmet.

Little kids fall down all the time, it’s not that big a deal. But when grownups fall down it’s a monumental embarassment. Kids fall down then pop back up. Adults fall down then miss work for a week.

I failed to teach Mary how to ride a bike. So my beautiful, brilliant 21 year old daughter still needs one training wheel.

#2. Teach your child to swim, or let somebody else do it. First there’s the safety side of the equation. Unless you live in the Middle East your child will spend time around water, lakes and pools, he’ll end up on a boat. Accidents happen, kids push each other off docks so make sure your child knows how to swim.

Learning to swim as an adult is frightening and nearly impossible. Children belive in magic so they have faith when you tell them they can float. They trust adults and will allow us to teach them to swim.

When adults try to learn to swim they are terrified because they know the reality of the situation. If they go under they will die. The adult brain also interferes with the learning process. A two hundred pound man may know he can float but he doesnt’ believe his great big fat body will stay on top of the water. So he thrashes around, sinks, gets water up his nose and gives up. The end.

Teach your child to swim to the edge of the pool and to hold on before they are one year old.

Your kid doesn’t have to be an olympic swimmer, they don’t need to know all the strokes including the butterfly, but they better know how to float and how to get to the shallow end of the pool.

When a child learns to swim it’s cute, when an adult tries to learn to swim it’s embarassing and sad.

#3. Finally, please teach your child how to shake hands.  Again, do it when they are little bitty so it’s not a big deal.  All you have to remember is “firm grip and eye contact”. Their lives will be better with this one simple skill.

When Jack was 13 or 14 he decided he wanted to look like an absolute freak, bright red mohawk, suspenders, plaid golf pants. Still, he had a great handshake, he knew how to look an adult in the eye and act like a man so coaches, teachers and ministers cut him some slack and still loved him. Grown men let him date their beautiful daughters in part, I believe, because he had an excellent hand shake.

If a kid has a pathetic handshake I generally think they are weak, sneaky, or stupid. I can’t help it. And yes, I know lots of scummy, slimy people have great handshakes. But do your child a favor. Start shaking hands with them when they are two years old. Then you can move on to the high five and knuckle bump.

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Pet Portraits and Passion

Today I was inspired by a guy painting pictures of dogs.

 I was going to write a blog about the three things you have to teach your children by age seven. Instead I want to tell you about Bryan Sink.

My husband and I have known Bryan for years. He’s been a chef, a musician and then he turned into an artist. He had several galleries and restaurants but things happened and they all closed.

Well, today I talked to Bryan for the first time in a while and he’s finally found it, he’s become enormously successful as a pet portrait painter. He only charges two hundred dollars for each large painting, they don’t take him long to paint and he’s back ordered. Everybody wants to pay Bryan 200 dollars to do something he loves. He’s found a niche. 

He commented that most folks would have given up on painting, they would have walked away and found a “real job”. But Bryan didn’t and as a result, at the age of 52 (I think) he’s found success and joy.

In the past Bryan’s artwork was always inexpensive but abstract. He called his prices “common man” prices. Now, he’s teamed his “common man” prices with a common love, our pets. Everybody, from Red Neck Joe Joe to Mr. and Mrs Howell on Gilligan’s Island, love their pet. We all think our dog has the greatest face, the most expressive eyes. Whatever, we are all idiots when it comes to our pets and our children. (This morning I asked my dog, Theo, if he was ready to run away with me. He said we couldn’t go until the kids were a little older. I also asked him to unload the dishwasher but he never finishes the job)

As soon as I told my husband, Alex, about Bryan’s pet portraits he said, “We should get one done of Theo”.  Bryan Sink is a genius.

Apparently a few years ago Bryan heard an interview with James Taylor, the musician. Taylor said he’d simply outlasted his competition. Everybody, else eventually died or gave up. And the same is true of Bryan.

During our conversation Bryan also said, “You know, if you do something long enough, you’re bound to get better at it.”  He’s absolutely right, he’s also a much, much better painter now.  I’ve been doing Taekwondo for almost 12 years and I’m not good (I’ve seen good and know what it looks like) but as my friend Amelia says, “I don’t suck nearly as much as I used to” and that’s enough to keep my passion alive.

So, tomorrow, find something you love, building kites, writing, cooking, juggling, it doesn’t matter. Just find your passion and do it, stick with it and evenetually, like James Taylor and Bryan Sink, you’re bound to find some success or at least you’ll suck a little less.

That’s what I’m counting on.

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Finally, The Perfect Shower Work-out! And This Isn’t Creepy

The perfect shower work out, I finally have this all figured out. And it’s not that creepy.

First, you probably want me to answer the question, “Why would you even want to work out in the shower?”

We’ll, when you’re in the shower you notice stuff. And you realize you’ve been eating way too much disgusting dead food. You may be washing your hair when you realize your triceps look flabby. Sometimes when you’re shaving your legs you think, “hey were did the muscles go?” So, why not address these problems immediatly and work out in the shower? And you don’t need any special equipment, no goofy Shake Weight, Ab Lounge, or P90X . 

First, of course, you have to stretch and this part feels really good. I think most folks can figure out how to get the stretching part done on your own.

The workout: I like to start at the bottom and work up. So twenty calf raises. Just go up on your tippy toes twenty times. If you need a little help with balance, at any time, it’s ok to touch the shower wall.

Next, twenty squats ( Iwish there was another name for these). You have to work on your ham strings and quads. Make sure you keep your back straight, don’t lean forward and when you do squats never let your knees go out past your toes. When you squat you want to poke your butt out, not your knees. This will protect your back and knees.

Now the upper body. Stand about two feet from the wall and knock out twenty traditional, standing pushups. Try to touch the shower wall with your forhead each time and keep your back straight. You should feel this in your pecs, chest, shoulders and biceps.

In order to work your triceps you’ll have to do one arm pushups on the wall. Put your palm right in front of your face and go as far as you can. You’ll be able to put your hand on the back of your arm and feel that engaged tricep muscle.

That’s it for the shower work-out. I haven’t figured out any really effectice abdomen exercises yet. But I’ll keep working on it. If you have any ideas let me know.

And I was right, wasn’t I?  The shower work-out feels great and  isn’t really that creepy.

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