HampoLand

We Watched A Man Get Beat To Death

Saturday night Lex and I went to the fights(boxing) with her boyfriend Ethan. It was an outstanding fight card, every match was full out. Lots of the technique was beautiful, there was very little clinching and most of the fighters were in great shape.

And then there was the Quincy Palmer/ Anthony Jones fight.  They were two great big guys. Anthony Jones obviously won the first round but both the big men were  breathing hard when the bell rang.

The tables turned in Round 2. Palmer was all over Anthony Jones until he was knocked out.  Then we all cheered and screamed and clapped.  Jones tried to get up, he crawled to one knee then went back down. Palmer jumped on the ropes and flexed up, he pounded on his chest as the the fight doctor worked on Anthony Jones.  And I took pictures of both the fighters, Jones surrounded by medics and Palmer screaming and pointing at the crowed. 

For at least ten minutes Jones stayed down, then they put a neck collar on him and tried to move him to a back board.  His legs flailed and jerked when they moved him and I was unnerved becasue it was exactly the same way Apollo Creed jerked and spazed after Ivan Drago knocked him out in Rocky III.

Anthony Jones died a few hours latter in the hospital and I’m still not sure what to think. Lex and I cheered and clapped as a man was beaten to death. It was an awesome fight. And I’ve got lots of pictures of the dead man being beaten to death. I’ve got close pictures of the doctor staring into his eyes, I’ve got pictures of Quincy Palmer on the ropes while Anthony Jones is dying in the ring.

And we cheered and clapped because we went to the “Benton Beatdown” to watch some good fights. 

The thing that confuses me so…why do I love watching fights, MMA or Boxing?  Why do I find that so enjoyable and interesting? But man has always loved watching violent conflicts, gladiators, sword fights, gun fights boxing…it’s all the same. We all loved it. But we are the only animals that organize violent events just so we can watch. It’s not our opposable thumb, music or memory that sets us apart from other creature, it’s our love of violence.

We cheered and clapped as we watched Anthony Jones being beaten to death. It was a great fight.

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Predatory Tow Trucks From Hell

Predatory Tow Truck Companies…sounds like something off the SyFy Channel right? You break down in the middle of the night and are towed to off to hell, screaming into the darkness. But this, I think, might be worse.

Mary, my daughter, got a flat tire on the side of the interstate. She didn’t have a spare or a donut because she’s Mary. A State Trooper stopped and told her she had three days to move the car and of course her car was towed the next day. Long story short, three days latter we found the car, and got the money to free Mary’s car from Tow Truck prison.

The fifty dollar flat tire cost us almost most five hundred dollars
The Tow = $100
“Paper Work” = $75
Storage for 4 days – $200 (yes it cost fifty bucks a day to park Mary’s car in a muddy scrap yard.
And I still had to buy a tire for the car = $75.

Now, here’s the predatory part. If a driver can’t come up with the $450 cash (no checks or plastic)to pay the Tow Truck company,  they get to keep your car. Then they get to sell it and that’s where the real money is for Tow Truck Companies.

How do I know this nasty business plan? I worked on an advertising campain for a local towing service last year, and I asked the owner “what kind of customers do you really want?”.
Without blinking he said, “Poor ones, who can’t afford to get their car out”.
“Huh”? I said stupidly.
“Yeah, that’s where I make money. When people can’t pay to get their car back I fix them up and sell them.” He pointed proudly out the window, to his… used car lot.

AAARRRR. So, it’s the poor schumcks, hard working, blue collar, minimum wage folks that the Preditory Tow Companies are looking to screw.

If you make $150,000 a year you can afford to free your car from Tow Truck Prison, if you work at I-Hop or you are a lowly college student (named Mary Hampo) it’s really hard to come up with $450 dollars. You might have to wait till pay day, but then becasue of the delay you  owe  the  Tow Truck Company $650 rather than $450 and that $450 is your entire pay check.

So who’s getting really screwed?Working class people. This is a predatory practice and it needs to end. Call your State Representative in the morning. You need to call because the cashier at the grocery store who makes $310 a week, the dish washer at your favorite restraunt who makes $245 a week is getting beat up. And chances are they will not have the time or idea to call a local politician to make this practice end. So, you need to help out your brother. Make the decision  tomorrow, Monday, Jan. 31 you will spend just ten minutes making a phone call or sending an e-mail to your State Rep. Consider it a random act of kindness. 

And remember, always keep a good spare in the trunk.

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My Trashy Magazine Fix or Great Guy, Lame Sex?

I bought a trashy magazine yesterday. Yes, I spent almost five bucks on the new Cosmopolitan because the cover said “BAD GIRL SEX, and 75 NAUGHTY MOVES TO TRY ON A MAN (I hate the word naughty). And HAIR, HOW TO GET MEGA VOLUME.  But I don’t feel guilty at all.

I only buy a bad magazine once or twice a year and the twenty minutes of absolute silly pleasure is worth the five dollars. I know this issue is almost identical to the one I bought six months ago with information like, “kiss him here,” and “say this to him while he’s in the shower.” It’s all the same but it’s still really silly fun.

I admit, much like Playboy Magazine and men, I never actually read the articles or stories, I just look at the pictures, read a few of the “super hot make out tips”, make fun of the models then throw it away. That’s what it’s for, right? What would Alex do if I changed my “kissing style” after twenty years of marriage? I’m thinking he’d probably start laughing at me and thump my on the forhead. (I can hear my children saying “eeewww, Mom!”  right now because there’s nothing worse than thinking about old people kissing).

The strange thing is I remember when I was in my teens and twenties and Cosmo seemed so edgy and dangerous.  Every month I dove in like a jacked up junkie. But now, the stories and  confessions don’t seem so shocking, just funny.  I guess ten years of living in the Florida Keys really does change your perspective.

Unfortunately, I do have  to keep the Cosmo face down because Sandor, at age 8, is now old enough to read the cover and I don’t want to hear him say, “Mom, what’s this mean? GREAT GUY LAME SEX? I don’t get it.”

So, if you have a family, maybe it’s best to keep your glossy trashy magazine in the car.  Read it while you are waiting to pick up the kids then shove it under your seat. Some things a woman really does need to keep to herself.

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Shocking News About Miss Arkansas

This week I met , Miss Arkansas 2010,  Alyse Eady and 1st Runner Up in the recent Miss America Pageant. She stunned the world with her yodeling ventriloquist act. (I swear I’m not making this up.) This magnificent girl sat in front of millions of people and made two puppets yodel.  And it was awesome…so she made it to first runner up. (I was a little disappointed because in previous performances she clog danced while she sang and made the puppets talk. But you can’t get everything all the time, right?)

When I met Alyse I didn’t know what to expect. Actually, I wasn’t expecting much because I’m mean and judgemental like that. I figured she would be some gorgeous but vapid beauty pageant queen with too much make up.

 I was shockingly wrong.  First, she was eloquent, quick witted and self effacing. She had a little Jesus fish tattoo on her foot. I only saw the Jesus fish because she unconsciously took off her shoes under the desk as she was being interviewed…just like a real person!

She explained that Las Vegas had invited her out to perform with her puppets, maybe they were going to offer her a job. Then she made a funny face and basically said she didn’t really have much interest in being a performer. She likes working with non-profits.  That, she said was her favorite thing about being Miss Arkansas, she got to travel the state and visit all the Boys and Girls Clubs, stuff like that.

Hummm, this was not what I was expecting to hear from the 1st runner up in the Miss America Pageant.

She refused to say anything snarky about David Letterman though the entire state thought he was really rude to her on his show.

 And finally when I asked her about those black bikinis they had to wear in the pagent she laughed. And talked about how awful they were. They made everybody’s butt look flat as they walked away from the camera, “And why did they even have a camera back there, on our butts any way?” she mused.

So, I was completely wrong about Alyse Eady, Miss Arkansas 2010. I wonder if I’m wrong about other stuff too? Probably not.

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High School Sucks…Then It Ends! Frumpy to Fabulous

Yesterday, my daughter Mary, who is 22, and I took Sandor out to play tennis. I’ve always wanted a child to play tennis with and now my hopes lie with my youngest boy.

  As a pre-teen, Mary tried to play tennis, and several other sports, but they were all miserable and almost embarrassing failures.  We laughed and had fun on the court but she was a beautiful, smart, spaz who refused to even try.
Mary was the kid who hit the ball over the fence and into the parking lot over and over again. I considered buying a Golden Retriever so I could stop chasing balls. Or she made up excuses to stop playing, cramps in her legs, broken shoe laces, invisible ant bites. The truth was, Mary hated trying anything involving physical activity. She didn’t want to run, jump, swing or smack. (She liked swimming and could have been on the swim team but she was never willing to learn to dive. When she tried to dive she looked like a cartoon character and there was always that painful smacking sound as her face and belly hit the water.)  Her lack of physical dexterity was not that big a deal and after a while I got over my need for a “jock daughter”.

Since those days Mary has transformed herself. In high school she was convinced boys didn’t want smart girls, she was too tall, too big, and tried to make herself disappear.

Then she got to college and discovered the truth, she’s stunning and  men love her. She saw in herself what we’d seen all along and started dressing and acting like a magnificent creature rather than a excessively dowdy and  frumpy used book seller. This semester she’s even taking ballet along with all her pre-med classes.

Yesterday, on the tennis court, the transformed Mary showed up. She was wearing Mary’s clothes, skinny jeans, knee high leather boots and  an upscale pink hoodie. But when I hit the tennis ball to her she hit it back. What the hell? Then she did it again and again, as though it wasn’t a big deal at all.

“Where’s Mary?” I asked. And she just laughed.

After a few minutes I walked to the net, “Seriously, when did you learn to almost play tennis”. I was genuinely mystified.

She just shrugged and smiled, her lip gloss sparkled in the sunlight. “”I quite caring what people thought and I stopped worrying about looking stupid. I can do all kinds of things I didn’t think I could”.

And that’s my Mary.

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Why Do I Even Buy Him Toys?

Yesterday, I watched Sandor spend twenty minutes with an ancient Hot Wheels. He ran that little Mustang all over the kitchen counters,  over the sleeping dog and around the kitchen sink. Then he used the dish squirter in the sink to wash the  car. That particular Hot Wheel was Jack’s so it’s at least 18 years old.

I wondered for a moment why Sandor wasn’t playing with some of the super cool stuff he got for Christmas then I realized he never does.

This year he got a life like talking army guy, a game called Super Sonic, they are tennis raquets without strings. You play tennis without a ball, and it makes neat sound effects.There’s a new WII Game and Bop It game, a remote control helecoptor and a great big key board, all piled up on his dresser in his room.

What are the top five toys Sandor plays with? You already know, don’t you?

1. Let’s see, he loves to draw tiny dudes, and airplanes. What’s he draw with? Not the expensive Blendy Pens he asked for, he actually likes notebook paper and a number #2 lead pencil.

2. His Hot Wheels, but he never uses the miles of track and battery opperated escalators or flaming ramps with crazy sound effects. He just like to roll them over the dog and my forehead.

3. He loves banging away on the drum set Jack left at the house  and he’s actually getting pretty good. They are just ridiculously loud.

4. Nerf Guns, with or without bullets

5. Sandor has a little squad of plastic soldiers. They were actually  decorations on his birthday cake last year. Those men go through hell defending this country.

6. Outdoor toys…football, basketball and sticks. Every kid loves beating up stuff with sticks, right?

So, all the Christmas gifts are actually just a waste of money? Well, not everything.  Santa left  him his very own electric  Spider Man Tooth Brush.He likes that so much he’s stopped sneaking into my bathroom and using mine.

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Big Boobs and Chest Hair…The New Reality

I’ve got a secret to share. You may not know this but the media manipulates and lies to us, all the time.  I’m willing to pinky swear on this one.

For years they tried to convince women that men actually liked flat chested girls. Ever magazine was filled with women who had the body fat of a pretzel and no breasts at all. Models were proudly rockin’ the 34 A as though that’s a good thing. But wait , most boys like boobs. Don’t believe me? Ask one…right now.

And if you need further proof call any plastic surgeon and ask  if he does more breast reductions or breast enlargements. The ratio is something like 68:1. Girls get boob jobs because guys like big ones, they always have. Still for 30 years magazines were full of models with the bodies of 9 year old boys.

Now the table has turned and guys are the victims. These days, if you look at male models in magazines you’ll see ripped young men with absolutely no body hair. I mean these dudes are slick and smooth as newly born otters. I googled “Cosmo Men” and all the guys I saw pictured, for the last five years were stunningly hairless. Ouch…first, let me say shaving or waxing that large an area must be painful and really time consuming.

But you know what? I don’t think most girls over the age of 21, really like a guy that shaves more than she does. Chest hair makes a man look…well…like a man…like there is a genetic difference between men and women. Most girls want to date boys, not “kind-of-boys” or “almost men”.

Now, in the South not many guys have taken up the high fashion, “Metro” habit of shaving…everything. Walk into any Wal-Mart and you’ll see plenty of hair under the camo shirts. But travel up north, to California or to big cities and “Metro” is in in in. Because guys in those places read magazine and watch shows like “What Not To Wear”.

But guess what? Even girls up north secretly long for a guy with some chest hair. In their dreams they long for a man with testosterone rather than the new Gillette Fusion Pro Glide. And here’s my proof. 

Last week my son Jack, who is 23 and bar tends in a Go-Go Bar in Manhattan called to tell me the weirdest most disturbing and fascinating thing.  Jack is tall and really swarthy, he’s got enough black chest hair to cover several small dogs. At least once a night girls, pretty New York girls, will compliment his chest hair. Often times they ask to touch his chest hair ! (yeah, as a mom this totally creeps me out but I must report the facts).  Jack even said, “Mom even straight metro guys will say stuff like ‘dude way to rock the chest hair’”. I promise you I’m not making this up.

So guys, don’t be victims like women were for thirty years. Don’t believe what you see and read in the media. Most of it’s not true.  Guys like boobs and women like a little hair. However most women absolutely positively  do not like back hair, that’s not good or sexy.

So, now you understand why I believe the media isn’t always 100 percent truthful. Next week maybe we’ll talk about the year 2012, Global Warming and the Grassy Knoll.

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Do Men Know How Sexy They Are When They Play With Kids?

I’ve come to realize men don’t have a clue how irresistible they become when they play with  children and babies. When a man pays attention to a child he instantly becomes way more adorable, sexy and desirable. Guys, I’m thinking you didn’t realize this.

The response women have to men when they pay attention to children must be genetic because I’m shocked every time it happens. If my husband wants to woo me, sure fixing dinner or rubbing my back is a great place to start. But if he spends thirty minutes teaching his son how to punt a football or doing math homework, without being asked, his “smoking hot score” goes through the roof. I love that guy and want to make him happy.

Consider for a moment how drawn we are to man who likes rocking a baby to sleep instead of watching CSI. Oh my Lord, that guy, no matter how e or geeky becomes the new Matthew McConaughey or Brett Favre (before the whole weird texting thing happened).  In “girl world” a good father, a fun and loving  dad, a playful boyfriend, might as well be People Magazines Hottest Man of The Year.

This pattern is exclusive to grown women and mothers. If one of Lexi’s boyfriends plays with her little brother, if he shows him how to make a good snowball or explains what a linebacker actually does, Lex and I both love him, a whole lot more.

If a guy doens’t know how to act around little kids, if he acts superior or just ignores him…he’s doomed. And I generally assume he’s an insecure ass. Next.

So men, you can stop sweeping and taking out the trash if you want us to love you. All you have to do is be fun and immature. I’m thinking, for most of you, this will come pretty naturally.

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Toddlers, Tiaras and Wack Jobs

Last night my daughter, Lex, and I watched the show Toddlers and Tiaras. What a creep fest that is. Something is wrong with those women, dragging their baby girls to pageants, where they duct tape their dresses to their diapers, actually wax the babies eyebrows (I promise we saw it) and glue fake eye lashes on their howling daughters.

Ok, some of the girls did seem to enjoy the entire ordeal and some of the mothers weren’t absolute wack jobs but the vast majority of the kids, especially the younger ones, obviously didn’t want to be there. Hell, they just wanted to suck on their toes and take a nap. We saw one mom giving her 15 month old daughter a spray tan. That’s nuts. Once the girls are fluffed and glammed, all the moms watch their daughters prance or crawl across the stage and scream, ‘Shake your bootie, Baby,” or “Super smile for the judges!” It’s embarrassing, What’s wrong with those women.

While Lex, who is 14, and I laughed and mocked the obviously obsessed stage moms, and we cracked some pretty harsh jokes about their sad need to live vicariously through their daughters a really unpleasant thought wormed into my brain.

I looked at Lex, who is long and lean, very athletic and a second degree in Taekwondo. She’s been training since she was three. That’s right, for eleven years I’ve been taking her to class and tournaments, encouraging her to stretch more, concentrate harder and I’ve caught myself several times yelling stuff like, “Side kick her floating rib, Sweetie”! or “Keep your hands up and punch, Lex.”

Humm, am I really any different from those women? That was a very unpleasant thought so I grabbed the clicker and changed channels. Of course I’m way different from those freaky moms and one things for sure… Lexie is a lot more dangerous

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The Ultimate 2011 Diet Tip! It’s Not Really Gross

 I’ve got the ultimate weight loss solution for 2011! I came up with it this morning after listening to dozens of diet tips on on morning news shows.

You don’t have to drink 18 glass of water a day or eat two pineapples. You don’t have to ad flax seed (what ever that is) to your oatmeal milk shake or stay on the treadmill for an hour a day.

The ultimate weightloss tip….eat anything you want…naked in front of a mirror.

I swear this will work. Take off all your clothes then put a chair in front of a full length mirror. Think how devastatingly hot you’ll look shoving a  Sonic chili cheese dog in your mouth. And don’t forget the tots. Keep an eye on your naked self and I doubt you’ll get more than three bites down.

Ok, you’re  in mood for something sweet. Fine, fix yourself a giant bananna split, all the whipped cream and chocolate syrup you can stand. Then sit down completely naked and take a bite. A little chocolate drops on one of your fat rolls. Stay right there and see how much of that bad boy you can eat.

Sadly, when you are naked, it’s impossible not to look at your softest, rolliest, fattest parts of your body, right?

So that’s it, the ultimate 2011 diet tip. You don’t need special foods or exercise equipment to loose the pounds. And the results, well, there they are right there in front of you!

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