HampoLand

Sausage On A Stick…The Killer Breakfast

I’ve got breakfast issues. I know it’s the most important meal of the day but it sure as hell isn’t the healthiest. I realized that again today when I said to my 8 year old, “Do you want pizza or spaghetti-os this morning?” Wait, I do try to put some fruit, grapes of a banana on the side of the plate next to the pizza, I promise.

Allmost all of the packaged breakfast stuff is actually crap and loaded with chemicalsand preservative, waffle, pancakes, sausage and pancake on a stick. why don’t you just eat a deep fried Twinkie? Oh my Lord, there’s nothing good in there and you know it. Especially after you pour a half cup of sugar syrup, I mean maple syrup, all over everything. And their teachers wonder why they are all jacked up.

Sometimes the kids will eat Honey Nut Cheerios but I worry that’s not enough to hold them till lunch.

I think my breakfast issues started with my father. When I was little he was in charge of feeding me before I scampered off to 1st grade. He felt popcorn and grapes were the perfect breakfast combo, kind of like cereal and fruit, but different. Or he would fix me my favorite, something I’m sure is deadly but I feed it to my kids too. Cheese Toast With Sliced Up Hot Dogs…that’s yummy stuff in the AM hours.

And what would Dad have? Two raw eggs (ala Rocky)  with a ton of Tabasco sauce. No doubt, that’s the healthiest thing mentioned in this blog. Thanks Dad.

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Botox For My Birthday!

My birthday is right around the corner and I absolutely know what I want. Botox. That’s right, for the second year in a row I’m asking my family for Botox for my birthday. I asked for it last year but they got me a new grill. Ok, I’ll grill you a steak if you’ll give me what I really want.

In asking for Botox I’m asking for an easy and quick way to look younger. Generally, I’m very confident so I probably don’t need any more of that.

Yes, I know what’s involved, but that’s fine by me. Here’s the truth. I’m a lot older than most of the parents around here, I work out in a gym filled with 25 year olds and three nights a week I’m in a Taekwondo class filled with 15-30 year olds. I have to stand in front of mirrors with these guys, so I need some help. Botox.

I can sculpt my body all by myself. I can run and lift weights so my legs still look pretty hot, I do push ups and curls so my arms have more definition than most of the guys on the high school football team. But I haven’t been able to find any face exercises to help me loose the wrinkles. Botox just makes sense.

Maybe my husband does actually love my crow’s feet and the line between my eyebrows (he’s weird like that) but I don’t. They drive me crazy. I would sleep with duct tape on my forehead every night if I thought it would help. But it doesn’t, instead it leaves the gray sticky stuff on your skin and that’s not so sexy.

So, if you wife or mom asks for Botox as a gift, don’t say something lame like “Oh no, you look beautiful just the way you are.” Try to understand her point of view. Today’s society praises and rewards those who look young.

My birthday is just a month away, no more grills or patio furniture. Just give me what I want, and remember “happy wife= happy life”.

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Are You Missing A Cat? I Know What Happened To It

I was going to write a blog about my father in WWII.  It was going to be funny and sweet but I’ve got something way better.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend on the phone and she said, “This damn cat is making me crazy.”
“I didn’t know you had a cat.”

“Well, we don’t really. We found it by the pool yesterday.”

Here’s what they did to the cat. Every fall this couple, whom I love, have to deal with mice sneaking into their house. The little rodents try to take refuge as soon as it starts turning cold. So my friend and her husband, who are pretty normal wonderful folks,  steal a cat. The cat takes care of all the mouse problems. Then sometime around November they put the cat back where they found it.

That’s right, my wonderful friends are “cat jackers”, “temporary cat nappers,” and “kitty thieves!” I promise I’m not making this up.

So, if your kids are crying because your cat ran away, relax. There’s a really good chance it’ll be back in a couple of months, especially if it was hanging out by a condo pool yesterday.

*If you like hampoland you might want to check out www.goofyandgreat.blogspot.com , it’s my second blog. Every day I write one paragraph about something I like, from Sonic Ice and Mike Tyson to Sonic Ice and Saturday mornings. Thanks! Diana

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Help That Fat Kid Out!

Sandor was talking about his third grade PE. He always comes in third place when they run and that’s ok. But he told me Scotty  always lost,”even to the girls’ and then gets mad. Scotty is probably 75 pounds overweight so this news was not surprising. Then Sandor said, “Scotty hates PE so he doesn’t even try, really”.

Well, I thought, I’d hate going to a class that made me do something I knew I was going to lose every single time. And then my friends were going to laugh at me because I lost. Damn, I’d do anything to avoid that class. I’d pretend I had a stomach ache, I’d wear the wrong shoes, I’d even get in trouble so I could go to the principals office.

But here’s the deal. If Scotty were failing math or English, the school would make sure he had help, plenty of tutors and such, to keep him from falling behind and getting an F.

Why don’t they do that for the kid who should be failing PE? (Of course Scotty will pass PE even though he shouldn’t)  His obesity will hold him back, keep him down, and there’s no doubt he’ll have monumental health problems in the very near future. I think being morbidly obese is just as bad as being illiterate. So why don’t they get Scotty a special fitness coach who helps in work out in a fun way, no winners or losers, just fun. He’s a smart kid, teach him about good food, maybe he’ll take the message home to his huge mom. But our schools won’t address the issue. So Scotty has to keep running in races he’ll never win and every time he’ll hate athletics just a little bit more.

When I suggested mandatory school exercise (fun exercise) to my Republican friend he said,”are the school supposed to be the parents now?”
“Maybe, if that’s what it takes.”
He laughed, “You know who has a great school exercise program? Communist China.”

Damn, he was right. How many times have I seen those pictures of rows and rows of Asian kids doing jumping jacks?

Still,I’m standing by my original idea. If a fat kid is failing PE, we need to find a way to help him. Not doing anything is going to kill him.

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4 Things You Have to Teach Your Kids

A few days ago I asked my daughter to sew a do-dad shiny thing on my shirt. All she had to do was a few quick loops and it would be great. when I put my shirt something was very very wrong. She actually sewed the front of the shirt to the back. I had to cut my way in.

o make sure you teach your children how to sew a button on a shirt. If they can do that, they’ll figure the rest out.
2. Teach your kids, boys and girls, how to throw a ball without looking like a dweeb.
3. You have to teach them to swim and ride a bike because once they get old it’s almost impossible to overcome the fear of drowning and falling. Kids are stupid and brave, they’ll do anything.
4. And finally teach your kid how to use a knife and fork properly and how to set a table. the other day a 10th grade boy came to our house and we all stunned as he tried, unsuccessfully to cut his meat…and it wasn’t that tough. finally he managed to cut a strip off then he just nibbled it off the fork.
Be a good parent, take the time, don’t loose your patience and teach your children the stuff they need to know.

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You’re Not Wearing That To Bed

Last night I stood next to the bed wearing a giant XXL t-shirt with an enormous picture of a smiling Barack Obama and the words Commander in Chief.
“You’re not wearing that to bed,” Alex said.
I laughed “Why?”
“What if I roll over in the middle of the night and open my eyes. I’ll be staring into his teeth.”
Ok, I get it. That would be kind of disturbing maybe a little creepy. It’s not that Alex doesn’t like the President. He would be freaked out if he work up starring into the eyes of Arnold Schwarzenegger or Nicholas Cage.
So I changed into a Razorback t-shirt, because waking up and looking at a slobbering pig is so much better.

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Good Names Gone Bad

My son came home from school and told me there was a new girl in his class. “She’s kind of pretty and her name is Honey.”

My husband instantly launched into stripper jokes, “does Honey have her own pole?” he laughed. I think he dated an exotic dancer named Honey years ago.

Lots of names that used to seem pretty are nearly unusable now. Any name that is edible, like Ginger, Cookie Candy and Peaches only work for strippers and hookers. How did that happen? Peaches is a fun and sweet name but who in their right name would name their daughter Peaches? Maybe Joe Dirt.

There are other names people now associate with call girls and exotic dancers, Star, Angel, Heaven. Ok, so words affiliated with God are semi-stripper names too.

Maybe we should start a new category of names for hookers and strippers so we can take back the old ones. How about Thong, Pastey and Stiletto, stuff that’s part of their profession. I can give those words up if I get to take back Cookie, I think that would be a really cute grand baby name.

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What I’ve Learned From i Carly…Carrots and Whipped Cream!

One of the few shows my entire family really likes is….i Carly. Yeah, that’s right, we all love it, a really silly show designed for 10-12 year olds. Even Alex, my husband, who looks like a pirate. Sometimes we come home and bust him out watching iCarly on Nickelodeon all alone.

Last night Lexie and Alex had a major discussion about iCarly relationships. Can Sam and Freddy really date, will it work? They did make-out on camera. But didn’t Freddy and Carly kind of go out one season? How does Gibby, a plump kid who dances without his shirt, get such smokin’ hot girl friends? That’s the stuff we talk about.

Today, while shopping in Wal-Mart I realized I’ve learned a lot from iCarly. First, spaghetti tacos are absolutely amazing. Spencer makes them for Carly sometimes, so we tried them out. Crunchy taco shells stuffed with fettucini and red sauce. The crispy shell texture with the soft and rich noodle and Mariana is sooooo good.

Last night as we were watching iCarly with my oldest son, Jack, who’s 23 and about to drive around the country, we were all stunned when Carly squirted whipped cream on a raw carrot.
“Did she just do that?” Lex asked.
“Yeah, that was whipped cream and a carrot,” Sandor confirmed.
“It’ll be gross,” I said.
But Jack disagreed. He thought the combination might work, so we raced to the refrigerator for the bag of baby carrots and half empty can of whipped topping.
And it was good. I promise you, whipped cream and raw carrots work.

What else have I learned from i Carly? This one is very important. If you have a fairly attractive mid section it’s perfectly ok to walk around with your shirt pulled up, rubbing your stomach and saying, “belly belly belly.”

Go on, you know you want to try it.

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If You Follow A Woman

I am a big believer in the power of family stories. I think they help us all remember who we really are and where we came from. And I love family stories because you can loose everything from guitars to dogs but nobody can take your history.

Fortunately I’ve been blessed with a very “oral” family. God knows,we yammer on and on and for generations we’ve been telling stories. (When I married Alex there was a cosmic hiccup in the universe because he was the first quiet member of our family in 200 years)

So, here’s one of my favorites from my grandmother Bubba.

Bubba, who’s real name was Ruth Ross, was born in Kingsland, Arkansas in 1895. She was the middle child of three and her brothers were named,(I swear I’m not making these up) Egbert and Delbert. When this story took place Delbert was around 12, Ruth was 8 and Egbert was probably 6.

Kingsland isn’t far from the town of Fordyce, Arkansas and one day, when Ruth was eight her father decided she was old enough to ride the train, with her younger brother, alone, to Kingsland, where Delbert would meet them at the station.

Her father, who was a small man with a gigantic mustache, gave her a dollar for the tickets and put them on the train with their suitcases, because they were supposed to spend the week with their Aunt.

Both the children were dressed up of course. Ruth was wearing a puffy yellow dress with a white sash and Egbert had on his suit, suspenders and a cap.

The conductor came around and took the dollar from the children. The train started rolling and they waited patiently for him to return with their change. The train began chugging along, faster and faster, and still he didn’t come back with their change.

After fifteen minutes or so, the train began to slow down in order to stop at the Kingsland station and still, the conductor hadn’t returned with their change.

Passengers got on and off the train and finally, the conductor appeared with their eighty cents. But the train was already pulling out from the Fordyce station.

So Ruth, grabbed Egbert’s little hand and they both jumped from the slow moving train.

Together they rolled and tumbled down the embankment, their suitcases popped open and all their clothes flew out. A shocked crowed gathered around then Delbert appeared. He was obviously annoyed. He pulled Egbert,who was crying, to his feet and as he brushed the dirt and grass off his suit said, “You silly little fool, that’s what you get for following a woman”.

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