There was an announcement “Casserole Contest” winner gets a great prize! The word contest slams me in the face, I LOVE CONTESTS, no I LOVE WINNING CONTESTS. Actually I love winning at anything, being the best, better than other people. Wait, I’m not one of those people who brags about being the best but it rolls through my brain like a happy train all the time and it’s silly, especially at my age.
The casserole contest is this Wednesday and I’m going to make something insanely yummy even though, I have never, ever made a casserole. i told my daughter lexie about it and she actually said, ‘what exactly is a casserole”? When I say I’ve never fixed one I’m not exaggerating. But it’s a contest, I have to compete.
I’m stupid competitive. Last week when my taekwondo instructor said, “I did 1500 kicks yesterday,” I started counting, trying to figure out how long it would take me to do 2000 kicks. If I do 500 kicks today, then 600 on Wednesday I should be able to do 2000 kicks without stopping in a couple of weeks. But that’s stupid, he’s a professional, he’s a 6th degree black belt, he’s my instructor and just won in an International TKD competition. Why do I feel the need to kick more times than he does? Because I’m an idiot. But I have to try.
Every summer, when we go to the lake, I challenge everyone to underwater distance swimming. My children, other people’s kids, stray teenagers, construction workers. I’ll take on anyone and I’ll die like a beached whale before I let myself lose.
I used to love our sales meetings on Monday mornings because we found out who sold the most the week before. It motivated me cause I want to win. When the new boss decided not to announce our numbers I actually sold less becasue I didn’t get to beat anyone.
Hate me if you must, but I try really hard to be humble. I don’t cheer for myself or brag. Though, when I do win, at anything, there is an outlandish party in my head with fireworks and noise makers.
So what am I going to do about my problem? Make the best damn casserole the First Presbyterian Women have ever tasted and walk away knowing Diana McDaniel Hampo is the CASSAROLE CHAMPION!
Tags: competitve, swimming, taekwondo, winner
Oh my Lord, I just visited www.bet.com for the first time and even though I’m a middle-aged white woman from Arkansas, I think it’s a great site. It reminds me of the old MTV, when they actually show music videos.
BET.com is full of music videos, lots of rap music, and entertainment news. yes, it’s mostly about black entertainers but I don’t think they mind me snooping around. And I saw Justin Beebers cute little white face in there too. But I couldn’t find anything about Keb Mo’ and the God Father of rap, Gil Scott-Heron. (If you love rap music and don’t know who he is you better do your home work and look for Whitey on the Moon and The Revolution Will Not Be Televised) Pit Bull, who is not black, bugs me, but sometimes my son, Jack, makes me really listen to Kayne lyrics and music, and I realize he’s brilliant. He’s just crazy insecure.
Rhianna makes me want to stab her with a fork because she’s determined to be a victim in ever freaking song. Come on, first it was the Chris Brown deal, then you do the song about Russian Roulette, then it’s you and the Eminem song where he beats you and threatens to tie you to the bed and burn the house down if you leave. Rhianna, you’re a moron. Stop positioning yourself as a victim. But rap music is full of that.
I could write pages about Nicki Minaj. What’s the deal, she’s the only girl rapper? Ten years ago there were lots and lots of girl rappers. TLC come back, I miss you, Queen Latifiya. But now, with 3,209,000,000 women on earth(I looked that number up so it’s for real), Nicki is the only one who can rap? I’m not buying that. I know I can find another girl rapper.
Tags: bet.com black entertainer, Chris Brown, gil-scott heron, pit Bull Kayne, rap music, Rhianna, white people
Sandor is eight and gets to play tackle football this year. He is excited to the extreme. I explained to his taekwondo instructor that he would not be around much for the next two months. This is the first time in five years he’s taken a break from Martial Arts training.
Yesterday was his first practice in full pads. Sandor looked as though somebody plugged him into a car battery; he was so jacked up. The first thing the tiny players did was the sideways crab run. I watched as my boy fell down, stumbled and came in almost last. I couldn’t help myself. I yelled for him to come to me.
“Sandor, this is just rotary jogging, like we do in class.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that. Ok” He ran back to line up. We rotary jog in taekwondo so we learn to use angles when sparing. Sandor turned into the fastest kid in the crab run.
Next the coach (who is wonderful) lined the little boys up facing each other, to work on blocking drills. I watched as Coach blew the whistle and boys crashed into each other like miniature samurai. Then Sandor instantly leg swept his opponent, slung him over his hip and took the top mount. The kid on the bottom was confused and obviously frustrated. I watched Sandor take down all his opponents with the same smooth jujutsu moves.
When the coach saw what was going on he came to me. “Does he watch a bunch of cage fighting or wrestling?”
I shook my head. “He’s been training in Martial Arts since he was three. It’s just muscle memory. Tell him there’s no grappling or leg sweeps in foot ball.”
“Wow, I’ve never seen a kid do that so fast.” He laughed.
“You’re lucky he didn’t arm-bar or sidekick.”
Now Sandor understands blocking, and what is and isn’t involved. But
I want to say “good job” to all you Martial Arts Instructors. Your students do, in fact, remember, exactly what you teach them.
Tags: football, leg sweep, martial arts, pee wee football, taekwondo
It finally happened. My daughter, Lexie, started her own blog. I think she did it because she’s tired of me telling stories about her all the time. Her blog is all about high school in a rural Southern county. She doesn’t slam anyone but she absolutely tells it like it is. In her first piece she explained why she wanted to punch a girl in the face. The kid is a big time drama queen, so I kind of want to punch her too.
Recently she wrote about kids who say mean things but start the conversation with “No offense but….” Here’s the dea, if you start a sentence that way you know your going to hurt somebodies’ feelings. So you shouldn’t. Just shut up and talk about the weather.
Lex also used the phrase, “If you can’t fix it, don’t dis’ it”. That’s a really good rule for everyone. If I have black stuff on my teeth tell me so I can go scrape it off. But if my nose looks bigger than usual just leave me alone. I can’t fix it.
So, if you want to take a look into highschool life you should stop by
www.sillystupidhighschoolblog.blogspot.com Apparently, teenagers do have feelings and are pretty smart.
Comments OffTags: blog, High School, Lexie Hampo, teenager, teens
I love the people who read hampoland.com. Last week I hit 100,000 page views. I find that utterly astonishing. I wrote a book 14 years ago, Invisible Branches, and I think it sold 600 copies. You can buy it on e-bay for $2.50 and sometimes I find copies at yard sales. I like it when the pages are worn and dog eared. that tells me people read my words.
Ok, back to my deal with you, my invisible readers. Every three or four blogs you will notice I write about something even more bizarre than usual and these weird blog includes hyperlinks. I’m confessing to you, companies sometimes pay me to write blogs about their crap. Crazy right? My most recent offer came from BET.com. All I have to do is write about rap or hip hop and link it to BET.com. Why do they want a middle aged white lady in Arkansas to write about rap and hip hop? Beats me. I guess they are trying to expand them demographic. here’s what i know. I liked Lil’ John on Celebrity Apprentice. He was brilliant and funny and I liked his hair.
Sometimes I turn the companies down. Yesterday they wanted me to write about a product that helps you quit smoking. But when I googled them there were hundreds of complaints. It was a quit smoking scam.
I’m like everybody else. I really really really need to make a buck. But I don’t want you to feel as though I sold you down the river (I just realized that’s a racially insensitive figure of speech). Even when I do write a blog for a company I’ll try to make it at least moderately interesting and please don’t feel obligated to click on any link.
The last thing I don’t want to turn you into “click whores”. So, for every three blogs I write You’ll probalby run into a “sponsored post”. Please don’t give up on me and thanks for reading and I love you.
Tags: blogs, blogvertise, guest post, hampoland, sponsored blogs
I wish I could tell all the 14 year-olds to protect their credit score like they protect their facebook passwords. My mom, who was a CPA, spoiled me, never explained credit to me, never made me take money seriously, so I’m a lost cause.
My score should belong to a crack head hobo who lives in a van down by the river, not me, a middle class mother of four with a good job. I can check my
credit score every week at easy and free sites, but it’s simply still too late for me. If a life guard pulled me from the ocean, I’m the one that had both my legs eaten by the Great White Shark. Why mess with CPR? But It’s not too late for you guys.
If, when I was a teenager, there had been cool sites to get my free credit score, like it’s possible I would have payed attention and been a better person as a result. However, there weren’t computers back then, so maybe it’s a mute point.
So kids, go to one of those sites like or freecreditscore.com (aren’t they the one with the cool commercials?) or freescore.com. Check your score now, see what’s going on. If you do it right you’ll be able to buy an awesome ski boat or Jeep by the time your 22. Be the dweeby kid with great credit. When you’re a 22 year old with a Porsche and a Harley dweeby will seem pretty hot.
If you don’t have great credit you can join the redneck yacht club and float the lake on something like this. It’s your call.
Last summer I saw a dad at the lake and he had a tattoo of his daughters tiny foot print on his shoulder. That was so cute. I’ve mentioned Mike Tyson’s tattoo of Arthur Ashe several times just because it’s a surprise and kind of classy. And yes, I am talking about Mike Tyson the boxer (I like him so back off).
My two oldest children, jack and Mary have “bro tats” from the book Where The Wild Things Are because they both really liked that book growing up. Now of course Lexie, my 14 year old wants one of Max in his sailboat, so she’ll will match Jack and Mary. I’m not happy about that.
Mary had a couple of friends, one got a green pea tat and the other had a carrot so they could say they went together like peas and carrots.
The portrait tattoos of people’s faces kind of weird me out but they are at least thoughtful.And chances are you won’t stop loving your mom or grandma’s face after a few years.
While “researching” this blog I saw a tattoo of first Corinthians 13 tattooed on a girls back and butt, that’s pretty wild and I’m not sure what I think of that. A bunch of the most creative tattoos I’ve seen and heard of are really sexual and tacky so I don’t feel comfortable describing them to you right now even though they are really funny. I actually knew a guy who got a drunk tattoo, it was supposed to say, “Born To Lose” but they miss-spelled everything and it said, “Born Too Loose”.
One thing I don’t understand are back tattoos. Why get a permanent piece of art you can’t even see? And if you do look at it in the mirror, it’s backwards. And those tramp stamps with tribal crosses are really silly. A cross on your butt? Really? That’s how you want to say “I love Jesus?” ,with a cross on your ass? Instead consider going to church or helping out a hobo.
Because I’m an idiot just like everybody else I’m still considering a tattoo but trust me, it will be tucked away under several layers of clothing and it will be tiny.
One thing you may want to keep in mind, especially if you are a girl. Once you get a tattoo on your forearm you are really limiting your career options. If there’s ink between your elbow and fingertips it’s tough to find work outside the entertainment or food service industry. We’ll you can always get a job as a tattoo artist.
If you know of any super clever or smart tattoos let me know. I always love a good story.
Tags: brotatts, stupid tattoos, tattoos, tatts
Parents should read this but they will not. Kids will read it but they shouldn’t. I should not write it cause I’m going to make people mad but right now I don’t care. I’m mad.
This week I’ve been surrounded by parents doing stupid and selfish stuff and they don’t seem to realize they are hurting their kids and setting a bad example. Sometimes I’m a wretched parent but I pray someone will hit me in the head with a gallon of milk if I do some of this stupid shit.
Case #1 Mom acts like a freakin’ teenagger and expects her daughter to be mature. Mom falls off the radar, doesn’t answer her phone, doesn’t let her family know where she is for 24 hours. If her teenager doesn’t answer her phone for an hour the world explodes and kid get grounded for weeks and weeks. Mom doesn’t get grounded though because she’s the “grown up”. (For those of you who don’t realize it those quote marks surrounding grown up are air quotes full of sarcasm and eye-rolling). Mom doesn’t like doing laundry and expects the kids to do it for her. Mom doesn’t buy fruit because it’s expensive.
Mom, your child loves you so much and really really wants you to act like a mom. She’s counting on you to show her how to act like an adult and to say your are sorry when you screw up.
Case #2 After a twenty year marriage, there is a divorce and mom wants to date again after four months. The teenaged child has absolutely no interest in meeting or talking to any of the new boyfriends. They all piss him off cause he still loves his dad. He’ll always love his dad. In a year he’ll be ready to meet the new men in his mom’s life but not now. Still, the mom insists the son hang out with new men, they all go to the movies or to football games. But the boy just gets resentful and angry. Come on woman, use your freaking CPA brain. Yes, you should date, you are divorced, but don’t force your son to meet these guys. It’s way way too soon. He’s gonna act like a 15 year old jerk face punk because it looks like you are choosing these men over him. All you have to do is date when he’s not around, date but don’t shove his face in it and make him hang out with the guys. Give the kid a year to get used to the idea of divorced and dating mom.
Mom, listen to me, make your son your number one priority for a while. You’ll have time to do all the stuff you want to do but right now, you are everything to that boy. The divorce wrecked his world, even if it was the right move. So don’t blow it. He loves you and needs you.
If you don’t know if you are doing the right thing, all you have to do is think about the case in reverse or put other people into your situation and see how you feel. Chances are you are a decent loving person who knows right from wrong. Just take a minute and think and then follow your heart.
Tags: bad parents, dating, divorce, parenting
My 23 year old son, Jack left a high paying bar-tending job in Manhattan to see stuff on the other side of Oklahoma. This morning he called me from the road. He left Colorado yesterday and was stunned to learn pot is Plegal in that state and you can buy up to an ounce a day! that’s a lot of pot. We figured you’d get blisters on your fingers from rolling an ounce of pot a day.
The he told me we have to go see Glen Campbell in concert because he’s doing one more tour before retiring. Glen Campbell has Alzheimers so this is our last shot. Jack grew up on my Glen Campbell stories. I loved the guy when I was eight because he had blond swoopy hair. I even had his eight track with Galveston and Wichita Lineman. On a trip to Florida I made my mother listen to that eight track over and over and over. Finally, on the Florida Turnpike she calmly rolled down the window of the Lincoln Continental, pulled Glen Campbell out of the eight track player and flug him into the everglades. I wailed as though I’d been stabbed with a steak knife for over an hour. Mom looked at me and said, “sorry Honey, I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Then she lit a cigarette and ignored me. So Jack has decided we have to go see him in concert, maybe this will help my eight track scare heal.
Then jack told me about his night in Laramie Wyoming. He went to a really old cowboy bar where there’s a bullet hole from 1888 in the wall. Drinks were five for five dollars and at some point during the night the marching bad from the University of Wyoming walked into the bar and played the schools fight song. Jack found a field to sleep in but for the first time in three weeks it was too cold to sleep in the back of the truck so he curled up in the cab with Ragtime Cowboy Joe still ringing in his ears.
That’s a pretty good night for a Southern boy on the road. It’s also proof that encouraging you kid to travel before he has a wife, a mortgage, a dog and babies is a really good idea.
Tags: Colorado, glen campbell, jack hampo, pot, travel, West, Wyoming
I love him but he stinks. I’m not talking about my eight year old, I’m talking about my dog, Theo. He is a big hairy lazy monster. I adore him but he smells like wet carpet and shoe funk combined. He tells me it’s his natural musk and he’s supposed to smell that way, but I’m not so sure.
Theo is half Chow and half St. Bernard. He loves rubbing up against all the couches and tables in the house to get a good scratch. So, now my couches smell like dog. Obviously I need to have them cleaned by a professional furniture cleaning services austin. He rubs up against my pants so they have to go to the dry cleaners and when he rubs up against the kids I throw them in the yard and hose them off. That’s how much I love Theo.
Thankfully we had all the carpet pulled out of the house a few years ago so there’s only hardwood, but I’m pretty sure that needs to be cleaned too. So I need to find some extraordinary floor guys like the steam team http://www.thesteamteam.com/. According to their website they can clean just about anything from dryer vents to patio furniture.
Theo tells me I’m too sensitive to smell and I need to concentrate on his inner beauty and the fact that he loves biting strange trucks when they pull up in the driveway. And when there’s a rabbit in my garden and I say, “Go get that bunny Theo!” He just looks at me and says, “You go get that bunny, Diana. I’ll hold your Fresca while your gone.”
I know, I know, he stinks but I really love him.