I’m reprinting this story from just a few months ago cause he’s done it again, my husband came back from a trip with the worst present ever.  But this time he gave it to our teenage daughter, Lex.  Alex went to Chicago for several days for a Food Show. He ate and drank and stayed in a beautiful hotel.  I was jealous.  When he returned he gave me a super cool necklace.  He gave Sandor a cool glow in the dark pirate shirt.  He liked it so much he slept in it. Then he pulled out Lexie’s present. Lexie is a beautiful athletic sixteen year old. And he brought her an EXTRA LARGE BLACK TEE-SHIRT.  Gross! Cute sixteen year old girls don’t want giant black tee-shirts from Chicago….but fifty year old men do. Yeah, he did it again.

Last night Alex returned for a crazy fun weekend with our son, Jack, in Nashville. They went to see the Who perform Quadrophenia.

Proudly, Alex said, “look what I got you!”

Then he held up a large black Who concert tee-shirt with tour dates on the back. It was big ugly shirt unless you are a bearded middle aged dude who loves the Who. If you’re that guy it’s the coolest shirt ever.

Alex really did buy it for me but he’s a man, and men typically are not great gift givers. In the past Alex has given me mixing bowls, potato smashers and meat thermometers and lots and lots of lingerie. (By the way he’s a chef.)

So my husband sometimes gives terrible awful gifts. Fortunately, I have two daughters with great taste and a son with an amazing memory. They generally help me out and  tell him what I really want. And sometimes he listens.

But the truth is I don’t get upset when Alex gives me another butcher knife or a  set of drill bits. He does lots of things that are more important, he just can’t wrap them up.

Every morning he gets up at 4:30 then re-sets the clock to 6:00 for me. Even when it’s freezing cold and sleeting, he jump-starts my car or changes the tire when I’m stuck….and he never ever bitches or complains. When I have to write a blog because it just won’t wait…he understands. He knows home much I love Muhammad Ali and surprises me with odd Ali stuff sometimes. But the most amazing thing he gives me….well, three nights a week, when I want to work out at Taekwondo for an hour, he understands, encourages me, and actually tries to get things done at the house. All these gifts add to the quality of my life so much more than “the perfect Christmas present”.

So, when I’m sitting next to the tree and open up the set of jumper cables or new cheese grater, I’m gonna give Alex a big hug and say thank you.

He just won’t know what I’m really saying “thank you” for.

Did you like this blog?  Did it make you smile….then you kind of owe me and it’s time to pay up.  Please please please donate to my daughter’s campaign. She’s been invited to Europe to compete in a super duper Taekwondo tournament.  But we can’t afford the air fare.  Watch this video and you’ll get it. I made it and it’s almost brilliant.  Thanks for the help, Diana

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/representing-america-in-european-taekwondo-championship?c=home

First…I’ll use my own son. Jack is 25 now and doing really well in Nashville.  He always saved his money, counted  and organized it.  In the past five years he’s traveled all over the world(Turkey, France Egypt, England, Hawaii and lots more)  cause he knows how to save his money and spend it on stuff he really wants.

When he was a very little boy and Mary loved the Spice Girls…. Jack loved one Spice Girl. All the other little boys were crushing on Baby Spice or Posh but  Scary Spice was his woman, at seven. A few years later He loved loved Gwen Stefani from No Doubt. Jack’s dating habits, as he’s traveled the world have absolutely leaned toward Scary Spice and Gwyn.

He still  loves strong, exotic women.  (Kenzie Greg reminds me of Gwyn in so many ways.)

Mary was always hot tempered, dramatic and giving to a fault.  One day, when she was eleven, she was waiting for me downtown. While I parked my car she gave her coat to an old street lady. She loved working at the Master’s Table and was constantly trying to save somebody. Today she works at the Clinton Foundation (saving the world) and she’s starting a non-profit to make birthday cakes for kids in homeless shelters.

One of Jack best friends grades 4th-10th was a very handsome blonde boy who loved Frank Sinatra and playing in the band. I mean he was obsessed with band.  He’s now a geeky band director in South Florida.

The hot blond girl in 8th grade who wanted to make out with all the boys all the time (I overheard them complaining that  she kissed so hard their lips got sore)  she had several beautiful babies before she was 23.

COMMERCIAL: I’ve never figured out how to make money from this blog. If you read Hampoland and it makes you smile sometimes I’m calling in the debt. You owe me. And here’s your chance to pay up.  visit this site http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/representing-america-in-european-taekwondo-championship  .Lex is trying to raise money to compete in London this summer and really needs your help.  Please make a donation…no matter how small. If you don’t help out I’ll know cause it shows me a list of donors. So if you are one of those folks who stops and talks to me about Hampoland but doesn’t donate….you’re a cheapo!  Thanks in advance. 

A young man who spent a lot of time with us, was quiet and wonderful and loved being in the woods, is studying to be a game warden in college.

And finally, there were  two different kids who bullied Mary  relentlessness,  for years (3rd grade-10th). One girl, one boy. They were brutal, abusive and obviously very angry about their lives.  Both have come out as gay and are now happy in committed relationships. Mary is actually friends with the guy now but when she was in 4th grade he tormented her so terribly, called her such vile names, she finally broke down and  said, “My daddy has a 9mm and he’s gonna come shoot you if you don’t stop saying that to me.”

Guess who got suspended from school for threatening another student?

Kids are gonna be what they’re gonna be but sometimes there are clues early on. We can only hope to shape them into caring and tolerant folks who make the world a better place. As the old adage goes, “It’s better to build a boy than mend a man.”

Please visit http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/representing-america-in-european-taekwondo-championship and help us out. Thanks again.

The first care you buy for your kids should be a practice car cause they are going to trash it. They are going to back into stuff, scrape things, rear end (very lightly) other cars.  Cause they are kids. I know you are thinking your child is different buy you are dead wrong.  Your beloved kiddo is gonna drive too fast, take chances and mess up that pretty used or new car you just bought for them.

Sandor is ten years old, and can’t see the dirty clothes on the floor, how’s he gonna see a fire hydrant or stop sign? He won’t, until he drives into it.

(Commercial time.  IF YOU READ HAMPOLAND YOU PROBABLY NOTICED I NEVER MAKE ANY MONEY ON THIS BLOG CAUSE I DONT’ KNOW HOW.     I NEED YOUR HELP AND IF YOU’VE READ MY BLOG MORE THAN THREE TIMES I THINK YOU OWE ME. CLICK ON THIS LINK AND DONATE TO MY DUAGHTERS FUNDRAISING PROJECT. SHE’S TRYING TO GET ENOUGH MONEY TO GO TO LONDON TO COMPETE IN TAEKWONDO. IT’S A FUNNY VIDEO AND ONLY TWO MINUTES LONG. SO PLEASE CHECK IT OUT AND DONATE TEN BUCKS.  http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/representing-america-in-european-taekwondo-championship

Last week Fountain Lake had a music/band performance and FOUR cars passed me on park Avenue. I was driving exactly the speed limit. Fifty mile an hour.  Three out of four of the cars who passed me were driving by teenagers from Fountain Lake. I knew them all. They were running late (cause that’s what teenagers do) so they passed, when it wasn’t really safe.

Lexie has a crappy car. It’s the 1996 Mary Ford Explorer we bought for Mary and she when she was 18. It was a wreck in six months and now it’s Lexies, all banged up and ugly.

Yesterday she asked me “If I get a full ride to college will you get me a new car(new to her, not new new)?”

This request works for me because it fits our “Yes for a Yes” prime directive hampoland rule. Lexie get’s what she wants…after I get what I want.

Here’s the second reality about teens and cars.  This rule applies to all kids, including mine.  Teens are going to speed no matter what kind of vehicle they drive. I’ve seen a teenage boy driving an ancient station wagon go 20 miles over the speed limit everyday on the way to school. He was a boy scout and brilliant but he was just a boy. Lex drives too fast, she doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m mistaken but she does.

And if you buy your kid a hot fast car they are going to go even faster, just because they can. If you buy your child a corvette, a ninja, a mustang, any hot go fast vehicle DO NOT BE SURPRISED WHEN THEY GET A TICKET. You bought them a car built for speed, designed to go fast. What the hell do you expect them to do?

If you bought you kid a submarine they would go underwater. If you buy your child a fast car they are gonna go fast.

I have a friend with a Camero, he jacked it up and it now has 740 Horsepower. he’s 45 years old and guess what he’s gonna do? GO FAST!

So, do yourself a favor, recognize that teens will do what they always do. Bang up cars and drive fast. Buy them something with airbags, keep them on a short leash and you’ll probably make it through graduation.

Did you donate? If not click here, I need you’re help. It’s a yes of a yes, I’ll keep writing if you’ll donate!

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/representing-america-in-european-taekwondo-championship

When I walked into court I handed her my peace rock because it has the power to help in special situations.

Here’s the story of my peace rock. (And fyi, the aunt’s story had a happy ending.)

A little less than a year ago my brother, Granger, died. It was a pretty horrific and heartbreaking situation. Granger was my last living family member. That’s why I sometimes feel like the last creature from my herd; the last zebra with these stripes.

The day I got the phone call, telling me Granger wasn’t going to make it, I was hanging out with my kiddos, Lexie and Sandor, who was 8 at the time.  We were looking at some funky art in a  tiny gallery on Central Avenue.  When the phone rang I stepped outside to take the call.

I was told he might make the next 24 hours, but it was doubtful.  My big brother was going to die and leave me here, all alone.

My heart thumped with pain and I tried to breath evenly. I didn’t want to break down and wail in front of the kids.  It was really hot that day, almost a hundred degrees but I shivered in the sunshine and I prayed.

“Lord, please help me with this, please help me find some peace and strength to get through this. I don’t have much left. Just help me find some peace, Lord, because I don’t understand this.”

Peace and strength, that’s all I wanted. After I prayed I felt a little better. I took three giant breaths and willed myself not to cry then I walked back into the gallery to find the kids.

Lexie was looking at an abstract painting of a horse, or maybe it was a volcano. I took her hand, it was warm and dry and felt nice. For a moment I stared at the painting with her. “Where’s Sandor?”

“He went out back to play with Daniel and Ben.”

I nodded and decided I wouldn’t tell them about Granger until we got home.

I willed myself not to start crying as I walked to the galleries’ back door. Sandor and two other little boys were squating next to a pot- hole filled with black water.

“Come on Boy Boy,” I yelled. He popped up like a jack-in-the-box and ran to me.

“Look what I found, Mom.” He stuck his grubby hand in his pocket and waited for me to stretch out my hand. Then he placed a smooth river stone on my palm. “Look at it!” he said excitedly.

I unwrapped my fingers and stared at the grey rock. The word PEACE was etched into the surface. I looked at Sandor, who was grinning.”Where did you get this?”

He was bouncing just a little. “I found it in the puddle over there,” he said and pointed to the pot hole. “You can have it,” he said cheerfully than ran off to find Lexie.

Granger did die the next day. I kept that rock in my pocket for the next two weeks.  Now it stays in the cup holder in my car.  I rub when I need to and sometimes, when other people need a little Peace, I share my rock.

I’m pretty sure God and Granger would want me to pass the peace.

**You can comment or write to me at hampoland@gmail.com or find me on facebook. I always need more friends.

I have  wonderful and bizarre of coffee mugs from all over the world because my kids and friends go to great places and always bring me a coffee mugs. They are more useful and cheaper than t-shirts.

My most recent addition came from Portia Rico.  Mary and Jack went there to surf last month and Jack got me a mug with mustached man(he looks kind of like Burt Reynolds) sitting on either a horse or donkey.

Right now it’s sitting in the cabinet next to a mug with the presidential seal and a picture of Socks the Cat.  Mary gave me that one for Christmas last year along with a pair of Toms. She was working at the Clinton Foundation so everything in the gift shop was fifty percent off.

Jack and I took Lex to Graceland so I have a mug with Nixon and Elvis shaking hands. One of my favorites is from Fox Pass Pottery. When Lex was born Barbara and Jim Larkin (legendary artists) made her a cup with her name and a blue rocking horse.

My best buddy Amelia brought me a mug with lots of tribal salmon and birds swimming around from Alaska. There’s a goofy leopard print mug with a cheetah head handle. Alex gave it to me when we were dating. It’s weird.

I’ve got a Henry VII  mug from London, mugs from Barcelona, Chicago, Nashville and the Outter Banks of North Carolina, New York and  Detroit cause Alex was born and raised on Motown and there’s pirate mug from Daytona. I love my Shack Up mug from Mississippi. There were share-cropper shacks in the Delta but I think somebody famous like Morgan Freeman turned them into little blues cottages.

Oh, and one of the best is from St. Louis. It has a big picture of the Arch of course.  Amelia and I took Mary up there for college. Mary told everybody we were both “her moms,” so everyone we met thought we were a nice gay couple.  Mary stayed in St. Louis for a few months then ran off with a guy who’s e-mail address was “Toker 69″. That’s what I think about every time I use that mug.

There’s Pisgha, Alabama home of the Eagles. Pisgha is Amelia’s home town and it’s really fun to say out loud. The best for coffee is a big blue mug Lex got me from the Ripley’s Museum in Branson.

There’s only one rule about coffee mugs in Hampoland.  We have an old cheap cup with cows. Twenty years ago when Mary and Jack were little, we had an entire set of cow dishes. Now there’s just one cup left with a momma cow and her baby. It’s called the “Cow Cup” and you’re only allowed to drink milk from the Cow Cup. If you try to pour juice in the Cow Cup everybody in the house will yell at you.  Even Lexie and Sandor’s friends know not to put soda in the Cow Cup.

So come on over any time. Ask for something to drink and you’ll probably get a great story along with your beverage.

Their official web page is www.godhatesfags.com.

But gay folk are not their only targets. Apparently, according to Westboro God also hates Muslims, Jews, Whores, The Media,  Sluts, Liars, The Adulterous,  the Divorced…well…just about all of us, for one reason or another. ( I should warn my children now they will probably show up at my funeral too.)

They call the Pope the “Godfather of Pedophiles.” They claim the United States of America bombed their church to make them stop screaming about gay people.  The don’t capitalize America because they think God hates us. (this of course begs the question “Why do you live here, than?”)  They call Catholic churches Catholic Whore Houses and female politicians who opposed their picketing soldiers funerals are called whores too.  And God hates whores.

It gets even better…or worse…depending on your sense of humor.  They have a world map on the website. You can click on any country and a detailed explanation as to why God hates that country will pop up. The reasons are astonishing, countries get on God’s list for everything from idolatry to tattoo popularity.  According to the map God hates Poland because of Aaron Katz – Poland’s first openly gay female  rabbi.   According to Westboro God hates the whole wide world, you and me and everyone else.

(Question in my head. If he hates me why did he give me such wonderful children?)

As far as I can see, the Westboro God only hates…nothing else. Their views are so bleak and horrendous they don’t really make me mad, just sad, because they believe God is so ugly and hateful.

By most accounts Westboro only has approximately 50 members.  So I looked up some stats on the American population. This might be bad news for Westboro.

1. 3.4-5.0 percent of Americans identify themselves as Gay.  That means Westboro probably has  one or two gay folk hiding in the closet.

2. Roughly eight percent of Americans struggle with alcoholism so they probably have at least four drunks stumbling around in their ranks and “God Hates drunks”.

3. Roughly nine percent of Americans use some for of illegal drug on a regular basis. So there might very well be four or five stoners or pill poppers marching around with their “God Hates America” signs.

4. Fifty percent of American marriages end in divorce and according to Westboro God hates those people too. I’m sure there are divorcees posing as Christians at Westboro.  Does Pastor Fred know?

5. And finally sixty to seventy percent of married Americans commit adultery at some point during their marriage.  If Wesboro has just fifteen married couples half  of them have probably stepped out for a little “strange” at some point. do they still get to hold the hateful picket signs?

What a sorry lot of Christians that Westboro seems to be. We are all a sorry lot, flawed from day one, mired in our sin and ignorance. Still, I know God loves us.  And I know He doesn’t want us to hate one another.

In Matthew 22:37 Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38:This is the first and greatest commandment.  And in verse 39 He went on to say  ^”And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Love your neighbor as yourself….humm….even the Gay, Jewish, Catholic, Drunk Whores. yeah, I think so.

This very same sentiment and commandment is repeated several times in the bible. So that’s what I’m going to go with. No maps of hate, no pathetic picket signs or ugly words.

I have to wonder, how can Westboro possibly know what God is saying, thinking or feeling? They never seem to shut-up long enough to listen to Him.

Seriously, do you think anyone wants to invite you over for a beer or a spin class when you treat your child with absolute disdain in public? Do you think the cute 26 year old guy with  sideburns and massive biceps wants to spend any time with a woman who is mean to her kids? Here’s what he’s thinking, ‘if she’s mean to her kids she’ll probably be mean to me too”.

And consider this, when you are mean, tense, rude or short with your child, I’m pretty sure, you look at least ten years older. It’s true, mean people looker older than nice ones.

Don’t yell at your three year old, don’t roll your eyes and hiss at your six year old when they touch the gum at the grocery store, don’t swat them on the back of the head or I’m going to inject myself into the situation. That’s right, I’m going to call you out in public and you’re going to get even more angry.

Ok, so you’re busy texting and talking and trying to decide what shade of hose you really need. Yeah, that stuff is pretty important, but don’t act like a spoiled thirteen year old when your child interrupts because he really has to go to the bathroom.

Smile, for God’s sake. He needs you. And don’t make the “I’m such a martyr ” sigh. Don’t make that noise that tells the world you are overworked and exhausted. Lot’s of moms seem to specialize in that noise. Cut it out.

Kids are irrational, moronic  they don’t understand anything, they need everything, they are demanding and rude and pushy and insane….cause they are babies. They are supposed to be that way.

And here’s my final tip, don’t spank a crying child and expect him to stop crying. She’s going to cry more if you hurt her. And again, you’re making your self look bad and everyone standing close to you is thinking that poor kid has such horrible, mean, stupid mom.

Kennedy is Sandor’s ex-girlfriend.  They are in fourth grade and “went out” for months.   Much to my surprise they were holding hands and he walked around with his arm around her sometimes, just like big kids. But two months ago Sandor broke up with Kennedy because “she got mean and bossy and stopped being fun to play with”.

I waited till we were in the car. “So what’s going on with Kennedy?”

He made a noise with his throat meaning he was disgusted. “She hits me and pushes me from behind and kicks me all the time on the playground.”

“Did you tell the teacher?”

“I tried but she wouldn’t listen.  She told me to ignore it. But she does it every day.”

“Has she ever actually made contact when she kicked at you?”

“Yeah, lots of times. She got my knee last week but she was aiming for my nuts. If she was a dude I’d hit her so hard.”

Sandor has been in Taekwondo for seven years so his defensive skills are pretty sharp. Good thing Taekwondo teaches lots of groin blocks.

And he’s not afraid of a fight.  A couple of weeks ago he came home with bloody knees. He told me a bigger kid grabbed his basket ball and threw it into a ditch then started walking away. Sandor ran up behind the kid jumped on his back. They both went down. Thankfully teachers didn’t see all this action or both boys would be in ISS.

But Sandor doesn’t know what to do with Kennedy…because she’s a girl. Teachers don’t pay attention…because she’s a girl. Sandor is ten and knows he would get into so much trouble if he hit a girl at school…but how’s he supposed to react?

It’s a reverse bully sexism situation.

Good thing there’s only three weeks of school left. Until then he better keep on blocking.

When I googled pictures of women kickboxing they were ALL SUPER HOT BABES IN SPORTS BRAS. Not my kick boxers.

Several are in really, really good shape, better than me, and others are working on it. Most of my kick boxers are teachers at Lake Hamilton School and they inspire me ….because they don’t quit. They don’t complain, they don’t make excuses. They keep on going and getting better.

I have a friend whomy age and started Taekwondo. She always said her  goal was “to suck a little less every day.”

Instead of being intimidated and sitting on the couch watching tv,  these women put on boxing or MMA gloves (that’s really fun to watch)  and they jab-cross,  jab-cross tick tock jab-cross, they upper cut hook bob and weave.  They round kick the heavy bag until they are sweating and gasping and exhausted….but they keep on going. And they are getting better every single week.

One of the ladies is a substitute teacher, totally dedicated to her family and she punches like a monster. She said her husband didn’t really believe she could punch…hard. She can.  So I gave her a couple of focus mitts  and told her to let her husband and hold for her while she punched.  She came back  this week all smiles and said her husband backed up while she was punching.

Here’s the reality, most of us stop learning anything new once we turn thirty. We just repeat our actions because it’s safe, it’s what we know. We won’t look like idiots.

Adults who start any martial arts program, from taekwondo to kickboxing, are heroes to me. They are brave and smart and strong. And they aren’t afraid…of anything….at any age.

When we stop learning new things, we stop growing, when we are more afraid of looking like an idiot than growing… we have officially gotten old and broken down.

Don’t let that happen. Find something new, learn something new, Russian, how to play the piano, learn to  rock climb or kickbox.

Stand up and be brave. Do something new and you’ll be honoring my middle age kickboxing class and this beautiful life God has given you.

But in the world of country music women get away with murder, literally. They get to say and do things that would get men  deep fried by Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz, in People Magazine and probably by a judge.

If Toby Keith released a song called, “I’m Gonna Make Her Pay” then sang about keying his girlfriend’s car, slitting her tires and smashing her headlights with a baseball bat…. Nashville would implode … Johnny Cash would come back from the dead to kick Toby’s ass, guitar strings across the South would suddenly snap. Law suits would be filed and his records would stop selling.

But that’s exactly what Carrie Underwood did in “Before He Cheats”.

” I dug my key into the side
of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.”

The lead singer with Little Big Town pretends to be a Tornado when she sings

“Yeah, I’m gonna lift this house, spin it all around
Toss it in the air and put it in the ground
Make sure you’re never found”

Yeah, she’s gonna kill him and bury the body. Nice.

What would happen if Brad Paisley said he was going to murder his honey and make sure the corpse was well hidden? Girls can say anything, boys can’t. there’s a clear double standard. In the world of country music I can kill my husband with a kitchen knife and food processor then sing about it.  But he better not lay a hand on me. there’s only one place that’s acceptable for men…in the world of rap.

How about the troubled and always dangerous Miranda Lambert? In Gun Powder and Lead she sings,

“ I’m goin’ home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
He wants a fight, well now he’s got one
And he ain’t seen me crazy yet”

Miranda, you know smoking is no longer politically correct.  Shooting your husband is just fine but put that smoke down.

Weird thing, these are some of my very favorite country songs.

In the business and political arena women sometimes get a raw deal. But karma is a booger in the world of country music. We have women with bad intentions and fire arms.  So next time a man decides to screw over a woman, he better make sure she’s not a country music fan.